Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Considering Another Go

Two years?!  It has been almost two years since I last posted?  How is that even possible?

When I was younger I remember people saying that the older you get the faster time goes, and I'm realizing that statement couldn't be more true.  I never intended to stop blogging, or to stop running for that matter, it just sort of happened somewhere along the way.

Honestly, I don't really even know why I am posting.  Other than a few infrequent, and very brief, sprints with one of my fur babies on her nightly walks, I haven't done any running since I decided not to recommit to Team in Training two years ago.

I think the need to write this is a combination of the fact that I've spent the past four years filled with an overwhelming sense of loss for my past life, and this post, written by someone from that past life, making me realize just how far off track I am from the path I intended for my journey through this life.  And maybe, just maybe, I'm wondering if returning to running (and blogging) are the keys to start heading in a new (or perhaps old) direction.

A quote from the post that really struck a chord with me with this,

"Find that one thing that you know you absolutely need in your life. That one thing that could possibly open up the flood gates in discovering or rediscovering your truest self. Practice it. No exceptions. This is your time."

Since being forced to give up running, I've come to realize that working towards a difficult goal is the one thing that I absolutely need in my life. Running was the perfect fit for that need, because I spent years thinking that I would never be a runner.  When I finally decided to challenge that preconceived notion I became someone else entirely.  Someone I really liked.  Someone who was happy.

And now, I am not happy.

I've slowly been waking up to the fact that somewhere in the past five years, I stopped living.  I'm merely existing - putting one foot in front of the other, day in and day out, but finding no joy in anything I am doing.  I still feel exactly the same way as I did two years ago when I wrote this post. Only now it has been eight years instead of six, and I. am. so. over. it.

Looking back, I've realized that I set myself up for failure when I tried to resume running in 2013.  I was so desperate to regain the happiness I have lost that I went running back (pun intended) to the one thing that I thought could bring back that happiness.  Not so coincidentally, it just so happened to be the one thing that I had control over during a time when I was feeling very powerless to change the things in my life that needed to change. Ultimately, my life was so full of stress and disappointment that I was unable to get past it to commit to giving running a real go again, and I quit before I even got started.  I never even decide to quit, it just happened - which speaks volumes about my lack of commitment at the time.

I've spent the past month thinking about where I am, where I want to be, and how to bridge the gap between the two.  I'm obviously considering giving running another shot, or I wouldn't be back here writing this post.  I don't know if I'm ready, but then how can I not be?  Time waits for no one, and I really don't want to be back here two years from now writing another post about how there's still a big gaping hole in my life where my happiness used to be.

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