Sunday, April 29, 2007

Sunday Run

Today's run ended up being 5 miles. I really didn't have a goal when I set out. It took me all day to talk myself into getting out there, so I told myself I could stop whenever.

Ah, yes. The games I play.


Mile 1 12:03
Mile 2 14:20 (I think my Garmin lost it's signal. At one point it said I was running 17:56. I don't think so!)
Mile 3 11:46
Mile 4 11:59
Mile 5 11:11

All I have to say about the run is this.... #%*@ing ankle. It hurt every single step the entire 5 miles.

I knew my boyfriend was on his way over to my house and was going to be driving by me sometime while I was out running. I kept watching for him for the last half of the run. I was going to flag him down and hitch a ride back.

When he finally passed me, I was hidden on the other side of the road by a huge pick up truck going the opposite direction. I didn't see him because of the truck, and by the time I did see him he was going too fast and was too far past me to flag him down.

I wanted to cry.

But, I pressed on and make it home.

Now I am limping.

But I am not going to think about it. I just can't deal with anything else this week. I'm going to go to bed and when I wake up tomorrow it is going to be fine. Right?

Did I happen to mention that I am the Queen of Denial?

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Losing Momentum

It feels like the RBF is in a funk.

Myself included!

Everywhere I turn, there are blogs filled with posts from runners that decided not to train for a spring race this year. There are several more that decided to give up their races due to other life obligations. And then there are the ones like me... we haven't given up yet, but we are hangin' on by a shoelace, and a shredding one at that. I think instead of training, we are just gearing ourselves up for the pain that is going to result from dragging ourselves through the race courses.

Jayhawk and OOSG are running the Country Music half in Nashville this weekend, but in the past few weeks their blogs have been filled with posts about how under trained they feel. And curiously there seem to be more pictures of them partying with Mouse than actually running recently. Hmm... It must be some new form of crossing training, and I'm seriously considering giving it a try myself while on my cruise next week!

Runner Susan is running the Indy half Marathon next weekend, and she too has been discussing feeling under prepared.

Firefly and Jess are both trying to recover from ITB issues.

Liv had been MIA for the past 2 1/2 months, and just recently returned to blog land.

And both Bob and Rabbit recently pulled their blogs.

As for me, I keep flip flopping between running like a mad women and slacking with the best of them. One day I'm telling myself that I'm going to conquer that half marathon. The next I swear that I'm not going to run it.

Of course then there is Mike, out there kicking ass and taking names on his 18 miler. And I pray he keeps it up, because reading his reports and knowing I'm supposed to be running the half to his full at Bayshore is the only, and I do mean the only, thing that gets me out there some days. So, thanks Mike!!

Wednesday, April 25, 2007


Is. Kicking. My. Butt.

But, in a good way. I'm really enjoying it more that I ever imagined I would, but it hasn't been quite the easy relaxing workout I was anticipating. The more I do it, the more I really want to continue with it. So, I'm trying to decided what I want to do when this class session is over in 3 weeks.

The instructor that I currently have is moving out of state this summer, so I'm going to have to switch regardless, and I don't know exactly what my plan is yet.

What I really should do is drag my butt across town to my gym, and attend the yoga class there, since my membership is ALREADY PAID FOR! Duh. Instead, I'm paying extra to take a class outside of the gym. Even worse is the fact that I am driving 10 minutes farther to it than I would have to drive to the gym.

I admit that my gym isn't in the most practical location for me. It is about 5 minutes from my boyfriend's house and place of employment, but that makes it about 20 - 25 minutes from mine. But it is dirt cheap so it's hard to complain. A year's membership fee wouldn't even cover 3 months at the YMCA or racquet club that are both 5 minutes from my house.

Of course, it has probably been at least 6 months since I've set foot in the place, so it's probably a waste of money even if it is dirt cheap. I have to renew my membership in June and I keep flip flopping about if I should keep it or not. But, I could go to yoga for a year there for the same price that I could go for 16 weeks with my current class.

Blah. Whatever. I'll figure it out.

I'm babbling about yoga schedules and gym costs because I'm trying to stick to something remotely positive. I have had a few incidents happen this past week that have me twisted and tied in knots and I am completely furious about them. Nothing devastating or life altering, but bad enough to about have me spitting bullets, and has me keyed up enough that I can't sleep, and even though I can finally chew, I can't eat either. What I really need to do is go run and stomp out some frustrations. But I got less than 3 hours of sleep last night, and have eaten one meal since lunch yesterday. I'd probably pass out on the road side and no one would find me til morning. So, running is probably not a smart idea. I think I'm just going to go to bed instead, even though it is only 9:00, and hope the world looks a little brighter tomorrow.

If not, I only have to make it for another seven days. I leave for the Bahamas one week from tomorrow.

Well, provided that I actually receive my passport as promised. But that's a whole 'nother issue!

I sent in the paperwork 9 weeks ago! because it expired a few days after I got home from the cruise I took in February. When I called to check on it last week I was told that they were a little backed up.

Ya think?

They promised I'd have it by May 1st. My flight leaves at 7:00 AM on May 3rd.

Nothing like cutting it close. If I miss my cruise, heads will roll.

My cruise leaves from Orlando. My boyfriend's sister lives in Orlando. My back up plan is to crash on her couch for a week if I don't get my passport. That way I'll at least make use of the flight.

Of course, I haven't told her that yet.

Tomorrow is back to the dentist day. Wish me luck...

Sunday, April 22, 2007

Play List Extraordinaire

This is my current play list. I'm recording it for my benefit. I'm really happy with it and think that I will use it, with a modification or two, on race day. But, I've been listening to it for a while and I need to change it up for a bit. If anyone listens to similar music and has any suggestions, I'm all ears (or is that eyes?).

Bitch by Meredith Brooks
Hollaback Girl by Gwen Stefani
We Will Rock You by Queen
You Shook Me All Night Long by ACDC
Simply Irresistible by Robert Palmer
Buttons by The Pussycat Dolls
Shake That by Eminem
You Can Do It by Ice Cube
Maniac by Michael Sembello
Safety Dance by Men Without Hats
Love In An Elevator by Aerosmith
Another One Bites the Dust by Queen
Jumpin' Jumpin' by Destiny's Child
Highway to Hell by ACDC
Sharp Dressed Man by ZZ Top
It's Tricky by Run DMC
Unbelievable by EMF
Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap by ACDC
Whip It by Devo
Tubthumping by Chumbawamba
Get This Party Started by Pink
Tootsie Roll by 69 Boyz
Baby Got Back by Sir Mix A Lot
Closer by NIN
Stayin' Alive by The Bee Gees

Last Sunday the ground was covered with snow. Today it's 80. Can someone please explain that one to me? Ugh.

I got up this morning to run my 9 miles. I decided to change my play list on my mp3 player while I ate a little breakfast. During the process, my computer crashed twice, and now my mp3 player isn't working.


I took it as a sign that I really wasn't up for the run and went back to bed for a bit. I'm going to give it another go this evening, but I'm pretty much dreading a 9 mile run without any music. But a 9 mile run on the treadmill doesn't sound any better.

I guess it's time for a new mp3 player or an ipod or something. I've been putting off the decision for quite some time, but I suppose I'm going to have to face it now. My mp3 player was one of the first ones that came out, and it is quite old and has absolutely no memory. It can hold about 30 songs max - and that's only if they are pretty short songs!

The teeth update: The pain has been reduced to a very dull ache, my checks are no longer swollen and I can actually close my mouth again. My jaw is still a little sore and the most I've tried to chew was the banana I ate with my oatmeal for breakfast, but that managed to go smoothly. So, I think the end to the misery is in sight.

Well, until next week that is.

Lucky me gets to go back on Thursday for some more work. Unfortunately, when I finally could close my mouth I discovered that one of my new top fillings is too big and it hits my bottom tooth and those two places are the only ones touching. The rest of my teeth all have a space between them and I can't make them touch. So, I'm going back to have it worked on again.

I'm oh so thrilled with this. But, I'm just going to consider it my new diet plan. There are only so many foods that you can drink or swallow without chewing. I haven't been on the scales, but I can tell I've lost a pound or two.

Friday, April 20, 2007

So Be It

I only made it 2 miles.

And that was 1.75 miles more than I wanted to go.

The bouncing was hurting the teeth and jaw.

Plus I was running without my beloved gum.


The first I've actually timed since fall...

Mile 1 11:42
Mile 2 11:23

That's not too bad for me under normal circumstances, and while running I was feeling like a total slug and knew I was going a lot slower than I have been running. So, I'm actually pretty pleased considering.

There's no where to go but up.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Comfort Zone

Tuesday evening was yoga class and we started standing balance poses.

I was having a really hard time and could stay on one foot for about 2 seconds before I toppled over.

This wasn't exactly surprising or anything. I'd been expecting it. I knew it would be tough for me. I'm not exactly the queen of grace and balance.

But, I know with practice it'll get better. Until then it's just gonna have to suck for a while. And I'm going to have to try to not get frustrated with it.

The whole time I was standing there, one single thought kept going through my mind...

I wish I was running.

Because that I can do! I wanted to shout out during the middle of the class... "I know I suck at this. I know I keep falling over ever 2 seconds, while all of you just stand there all tall and graceful. But, guess what... I can do something. I can run! I'm kinda good at it, even. No, really, I am. I swear. I'm going to run 9 miles in a few days. You might be able to stand here and balance on one leg for like 20 minutes, but can you do that? Huh? Can you? Can you?"

I was feeling really out of my element and very far removed from my comfort zone. And I was feeling the need to be doing something that was easy for me.

But, at the same time I knew it was good for me.

I know that I will never grow as a person without challenging myself. And I also know that it takes time to get better at things. I've done yoga before and was eventually one of those seasoned people standing there watching the newbies topple over. And I will be there again if I stick with it. I just have to keep repeating that to myself over and over until it happens!

On the running front, I opted not to do my 4 mile run yesterday.

I feel like I am walking a fine line with my training this go round. Trying to get in enough miles without pushing myself to the point of injury again. I am conscious of every little ache and pain in my knees and ankles these days.

And it scares me!

I'm sure that I had these little twinges of pain in the past, and I never even noticed them. But now, since dealing with the injures I am constantly scanning my body for any sign of impending doom. I'm probably being over cautious, but I figure that if I reinjure something then no amount of training will matter. 'Cuz I won't be running any where.

So, I added another rest day into the schedule and did 4 very easy miles tonight. And I do mean easy. It actually felt pretty good to just run without being concerned about the pace.

Friday is my 9 miler. The weather should be perfect. They are predicting 62 and sunny.

I'm having 4 of my old silver fillings replaced tomorrow afternoon. I'm hoping that maybe some of the laughing gas will still be in effect on Friday morning and I'll just float through my run.

One can always dream...

Monday, April 16, 2007

Why Do You Do It?

I was up reading blogs and I read this post written by Miss Petite America, and it got me thinking.

A recap for those of you you haven't read the post or don't want to:

Her mom is telling her that it is ok if she doesn't finish her upcoming half mary on Sunday because it's supposed to rain and MPA is dealing with an injury. And MPA is upset that her mom doesn't "get it".

How many of us have experienced similar conversations?

I know I certainly have!

My boyfriend's parents have always been amazingly supportive of my running efforts. They gave very generously when I was fundraising for TNT. His dad is very quick to offer praise and tell me how proud he is of me.

But he is also very quick to tell me that it is ok if I can't finish a run or a race. He's always telling me that it's ok if I have to quit, and not to push too much, and not to hurt myself (too late), and that they are proud of me no matter what.

My mom knows me pretty well, and isn't overly vocal about her opinions of what I do unless I am seeking advise, but I get the feeling that she thinks I am borderline mental for coming back for more after the knee and ankle injuries I suffered through last year. If I had to guess, I'd say that she often wonders why I just don't quit and why I keep coming back to torture myself.

And honestly, some days I wonder the same thing.

Running has probably reduced me to tears of pain and frustration more than just about anything in my life. And I have a choice. I could hang up the shoes and walk away at any time. I don't have to answer to anyone, so what's stopping me?

Why don't I just quit?

Because I can't.

It's honestly that simple.

Running has given me something that nothing else ever has before.

Confidence in my physical abilities.

And for me that's an amazing thing.

I'm a smart individual. I was always at the top of my class in school. And it usually came easy to me. If it didn't, I could almost always study hard enough to understand what ever it was. If I have to use my brain to solve I problem, I'm probably going to do ok.

But, I've never felt all that confident in my ability to do something physical. Most kids loved gym class, but I dreaded it. I was out of my element. Outside of my natural abilities.

And I felt like a dork.

I certainly couldn't hit a baseball with a bat, but I sure could get hit in the face with one. I couldn't shoot a basket, but I could scrape a two inch section of my nose and my forehead with my fingernail while I was trying, and be humiliated for weeks while it healed. I couldn't kick a soccer ball, but I just might nail the shin of the kid next to the ball pretty good. If dodge ball is the name of the game, then runnergirl is the name of the one who's gonna be hit out first. Football? You have got to be kidding me!

But, running.

Oh sweet running.

Now that I can do. It's just one foot in front of the other.

Running is a mental sport.

All you have to to is Not. Give. Up.

The first time I ran 8 miles, I was so shocked that I was able to do it.

The first time I ran 9 miles, I was so proud of myself I didn't know what to do.

The first time I ran 10 miles, I was on top of the world!

The first time I ran 13.1 miles, I was so excited I wanted to shout it from the roof tops.

And when I finally finished my first half marathon, the amount of pride and self confidence I felt was over whelming. It amazes me how much I draw on the strength I felt at completing that race at other times in my life. If I think I can't do something, I look back at that race and tell myself that if I could do that, then I can do whatever the new challenge is.

If you put my half marathon medal and my doctor of optometry diploma side by side and asked me which I was more proud of, I'd say the medal hands down.

I had to work harder for it.

And earning it changed something in me, and I will never be the same. I have a confidence and an unbreakable will that never existed before. If I don't do something these days, it is because I have decided that I don't want to, not because I am afraid that I can't.

And that is the most liberating thing in the world for me.

The freedom from the fear of failure.

So, why do you do it?

To Commit or Not To Commit

That is the question.

Do you ever feel like the universe is plotting against you? Like everyone sat down when you weren't looking and all agreed to start nagging you at the same time?

So, last weekend my boyfriend and I have this conversation...

BF: "Have you started running again yet?"
Me: "No."
BF: "You've missed a few weeks with being sick. Can you make all that up?"
Me: "No."
BF: "So, what are you going to do?"
Me: "I don't know. I haven't decided. I don't want to talk about it."

Then, on Wednesday I was chatting online with a friend, and we have this one...

JL: "How's the running going?"
Me: "It sucks. I got sick and it slowed me down. I feel tired and worn out. Both knees are bothering me and I feel like quitting."
JL: "That blows."
Me: "Tell me about it."

Then on Thursday, my mom and I have this one...

Mom: "So, have you been able to run since you've been sick?"
Me: "No."
Mom: "Can you make it all up?"
Me: "No."
Mom: "What are you going to do?"
Me: "I don't know."
Mom: "Well, are you still running your race?"
Me: "I haven't decided."

Every time I look at my blog or log into my myspace account there are those pesky counters nagging me that I only have 45..44..43..42..41...days until Bayshore.

Alright already, I hear you loud and clear!! I got it already. I'm getting my butt back in gear.

I'm running, I'm running. I did last week's long run. I didn't miss my weekend run. I have tomorrow's run planned out (probably my first outside run since fall 'cuz - ya know - I'm a cold weather wimp and all).

But, does the universe cut me any slack? Does it recognize that I got the drift and I'm back on track and get off my back?

Of course not!

What does it do instead?

It taunts me.

It tosses a morsel in front of me, one that it knows I might not be able to turn down.

In my inbox this morning when I got up was an email telling me that registration was open to this.

Not that I am expecting it to be an exciting race, by racing standards. And Mouse told me that it was very unorganized, didn't have enough water stops and pretty much sucked when she ran it.

But it is in my home town, people. My teeny-tiny, podunk, don't blink or you'll miss it, home town! The place where I spent my entire, very loved, and very much missed, childhood. How cool is that?

And don't you remember how excited I was last year when I found out about it? And how disappointed I was when I couldn't run it because of my ankle?

I am dying to go wander the streets of my childhood, reminiscing of the good ol' days, in between gasping for breath, choking at the water stops, and cussing myself out for signing up for a race so early in the fall season when the temperature is bound to still be sweltering.

There are only 3 races that I really want to run: Bayshore - which I am doing on May 26th, the run around Mackinac Island - which is only 8 miles and I am planning on doing this year, and this one.

So, what's the problem, right?

This is the problem. Remember that post from 4 days ago. The one where I said I was tired of pushing, and that maybe I wanted a break from training.

Well, I can't run a 30K without some major training!!! The longest distance I've ever ran is 13.1 miles. And I've done it twice. Once in Indy, and once 3 weeks before - to prove to myself I could do it so I didn't have a major freak out on race morning.

I want to do the race, but I don't want to commit to the training. Lazy, Lazy, I am, but I just don't know if I'm up for it! But I'm going to hate myself come Labor day if I don't do this.

So, what's a runnergirl to do?

Luckily, this race isn't going to fill up, so I don't have to commit early and send in my registration. But I obviously will need to commit early enough to start training in time if I decide to do it.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

The Aftermath

I admit it.

I'm sore.

And a few of my muscles are letting me know that they aren't too happy with me right now.

The 8 miles took their toll, but the really really wonderful news is that my knees have been great all day. I haven't even heard anything out of my right one, and that nagging ache is pretty much a constant these days. It didn't even stop during my forced 6 month hiatus. So, I'm ecstatic about that.


Do you remember that pesky little ankle thing?

Yeah. That one.

The one that kept me from running the Chicago Marathon last October.


Well, it apparently did not get the message on Friday about the dictatorship status, because I have been hearing some whisperings of a protest from it for the past hour.

If that damn thing keeps me from another race, I'm going to sit down and bawl my head off.

Then I just might cut my ankle off.

Mind Games

Yesterday evening's goal was to con myself into running 8 miles.

And I do mean con!

Two and a half hours before my designated "get on the treadmill" time (because I wasn't willing to actually call it my running time - I was just telling myself all I had to do was step on the treadmill and I was hoping the rest would take care of itself) found me happily sitting at my computer eating a brownie and drinking a glass of milk. (Left over from entertaining the previous evening)

Forty-five minutes to my designated treadmill time found me sitting at my computer shoveling in 2/3 of a pint of Ben and Jerry's. (Bought in a moment of weakness at Walmart the day before. But it was a new flavor and I just had to try it. I mean it's Ben & Jerry's! No one in their right mind would turn down a new flavor, RIGHT? It was the cinnamon bun one and it rocks, by the way!)

I so wish I was kidding, or even exaggerating slightly. But I'm not.

Is anyone out there starting to realize why I haven't managed to lose those 5 lbs yet?

Ten minutes to my treadmill time found me sitting on my closet floor, staring at my old running shoes sitting right there in front of me, and trying to convince myself to go get my new shoes out of my car.

Pretty sad, don't cha think? Hypothetically I'm about to run 8 miles and I'm too lazy to go get my shoes from the garage! So, I put on the old shoes, telling myself that I can always change them later if I need to.

I got on the treadmill, making the deal with myself that all I had to do was start and I could quit any time I wanted....

But I knew I never would.

I am a person that spends waaayyy too much time evaluating myself and my life. But the good side of that is that I know myself pretty well. And I knew that if I quit on the 8 miles, I was also quitting on the race. And I'm not ready to do that yet.

Because I'm not a quitter!

So, I knew the only choice was to compete the 8 miles or die trying. I just had to do it. Nothing else would be acceptable.

I spent the first 4 miles having a little chat with all of the protesters. I explicitly explained to my feet, ankles, calves, shins, knees, thighs, hips, shoulders, and lungs. That this endeavor in no way resembles a democracy. It is a dictatorship, through and through. And, therefore, they do NOT get a vote regarding the miles that would be ran for the next 6 weeks. They would do as they were instructed without complaint or there would be hell to pay.

And for the most part they actually listened. I did not hear a peep out of either knee, for the first time in months. Which leads me to wonder if it is the current shoes inducing the new left knee issues. Guess I'll just have to try a few runs in the old shoes and a few in the new ones, and see if I can figure it out.

I spent the last 4 miles trying to convince myself that I wasn't dying.

Friday, April 13, 2007

And Now...

Back to your regularly scheduled program...


Health: I feel better, but not back to 100%. I would say that I'm over my cold and no longer feel sick, but I feel so tired and run down still. There have been several nights over the past week and a half that I have slept for 12, 13, even 14 hours! And I'm dragging myself out of bed half awake, stumbling through my day, and going home just to fall back into bed at 7:00 and sleep until morning. It feels like my spring allergies are kicking into full force, and I think that leaves me feeling kinda sleepy and spaced out, too. It's making it much harder to get back into the running groove, that's for sure!

Yoga: I went to my first yoga class 3 weeks ago and loved it. The second class fell right after I got sick and I was running a temperature of 99.8, and figured it was probably a smart idea to stay home and rest. The next week happened to be spring break for the local area schools, and we didn't have class.

So, this past Tuesday was my first day back since the first class. I again really enjoyed it, but it is turning out to be much more of a work out than I was expecting. This instructor certainly pushes us to our limits! In this week's class we did a lot of back and arm stuff, and my lower back and shoulders are still sore this morning!

We haven't been doing any poses that require balancing, which is good and bad. It has been a nice transition back into yoga for me, with things being simple. But, after a few weeks back into it I'm starting to want the challenge of some of those harder poses. We might get into them as the weeks progress, but I'm not sure. I'm already thinking about signing up for the next session of class in the summer, and maybe I'll consider moving up a class level next time.

The Aforementioned Non-Running Goals: I am doing great with my ab work! We have an incredible local library system with a wonderful online searchable catalog. So, I can just get on my computer search for ab DVDs, put in a request to reserve them, get an email when they are waiting, and go pick them up. So, I've been doing my old stand by videos, and mixing it up with some new ones for variety. I've probably averaged an ab workout about every other morning for the past 4 1/2 weeks. I've even managed to get myself on a decent schedule to go to sleep earlier and get up early enough to do them before work! Which is probably the reason I've managed to actually stick with it! I'm not noticing any visual results from my efforts - not that I'd expect to yet! But I can feel that my waist line is tightening up a little when I'm standing with my arms crossed.

I haven't been doing so great with my weight loss goal, though. But I'm not giving up! I keep having small social occasions pop up that I have been using as excuses to over eat. Plus I've been on a cooking kick lately and have been making a lot of my favorite dishes. And it's not that the meals are all that fattening, I'm just kinda lazy and don't cook for just myself all that often. So, the home cooked food is tasting so good to me that I'm inhaling way too much of it.

But, I've been having a little chat with myself and we have agreed that we are going to get it back under control starting on Monday! It's always been better to start at the beginning of the week for me with things like that. The weekend just feels like a bad time to begin something new.

Running: I'm struggling, big time. I'm getting tired of pushing. Every run feels like I'm pushing to make myself finish it, even if it's only 2 miles. It just feels hard. My left knee is joining my right one it it's nagging pain that lingers even when I haven't been running in weeks. It has me a little concerned. I'm tired of running on the treadmill, but not willing to head out into 30 degree weather, complete with wind strong enough to knock you over, and every possible type of precipitation. In the past week we have seen rain, sleet, hail, and snow. Today is the first sunny day in almost 2 weeks! I keep waiting to fall back into some kind of groove with my running, and it's not happening. And every day that goes by just makes me dread those runs more and more. I just don't want to push any more, and I'm tired of hurting. I've been thinking that maybe I want to give up the training for a while, but not the running per se. I want to have the freedom to stop running after a mile if that's what I feel like doing. Not forcing myself to crank out another five because that's what the schedule says. But there is that pesky little problem of the half marathon that I am supposed to be training for on May 26th. What exactly do I do about that? I can't decided. I either need to kick it into high gear or give it up. I'm going to the race no matter what - I've already booked the hotel, and planned a vacation around the race location. Maybe I'll just be a spectator and cheer everyone else on. Maybe I'll just walk the damn thing. Maybe I'll get mad at myself enough over my lack of ambition that I will be able to kick it up for the next 6 weeks. I just don't know!

Blogging: I'm going to keep the blog. I enjoy it too much to give it up, and I'll just have to hope that my readers will forgive my erratic posts. And I think I'm going to take the advise of Miss Petite America and Jess, and use a second one to ramble about whatever I want. I already set it up. :)

And I almost forgot...

The Bangs: I still haven't made a decision. One day I love them and the next I hate them. I've decided that I'm going to keep them for now. I need to see myself in some pictures before I decide for sure if I want to keep them or not. For the past 2 weeks they have been too long and driving me nuts - and that's a short trip! But my appointment isn't for another 2 weeks. I don't want to have to start getting a haircut every 4 weeks, but I don't think I trust myself to trim them myself. The ironic thing is that since I've gotten them cut, I've had about 10 people tell me how much they like my new hair color. But the color isn't that new! I changed it a week or two before Christmas. I think people are just paying attention now because of the change in the cut.

Thursday, April 12, 2007


When I was in college I started keeping a journal.

It all started because of a guy.

A guy.... that I thought was unbelievable.... that I thought I wanted to always be with.... that broke my heart.... that I thought I'd never get over.... that I compared every other guy to for years. But also a guy that I was too scared to give a second chance to when he finally asked for it because I was afraid I'd get hurt again.

In an attempt to rid my mind of the swirling memories of my "one that got away", I started writing.

I poured out my heart and soul into my journal. I sat and let the thoughts flow from my head to my hand. Whatever crossed my mind ended up on the paper. It was therapeutic. It was eye opening.

Most of the time I just opened up to a blank page, grabbed a pen in a funky color, and started writing anything and everything that came to me. I rarely knew what the topic was going to be until I got going. Sometimes the things I wrote really surprised me. I learned a lot about myself.

And I liked doing it.

For years I kept the writing up and I had filled notebooks full of my innermost thoughts and desires. Filled up pages with my secret wants and fears.

I felt like I literally grew up on those pages. I went through the struggle of changing from the child I was to the adult I am in those notebooks.

Then one day, I just stopped writing.

Not for any reason. Life just got in the way.

I was working full time. Keeping up with my husband, my parents, my friends, my house, my car, my pets. And I just stopped writing.

Finally, I opened up the most recent notebook and noticed that it had been over two years since I had written a word. I started thinking about how enjoyable my journals used to be for me, and decided that I wanted to start writing again. So, I bought myself a pretty new notebook, came home and wrote a few pages, set it aside, and never wrote in it again.

All of a sudden it felt like a chore.

Like something I had to do.

And it was no longer enjoyable.

So, one evening I sat down with all of those old notebooks spread around me from the past 10 years of my life.

I read every word.

Then shredded every page.

That may sound like a strange thing to do. I mean, why not just put them in a box and tuck them away or something.

But, I knew they were there... with those empty pages calling out to me to start writing again.

And I was tired of feeling the pressure.

Shredding them was my road to freedom. And free I was.

And it felt good.

Insert a few years, and here I am.

Sitting here journaling again.

And I am facing that with very mixed emotions right now.

My blog is starting to feel like an obligation. I feel like I owe it to all of my faithful readers to keep them updated on my running status. And I want to keep them updated. But once again, life seems like it is creeping in and getting in the way.

I feel guilty when I haven't had the time to post for a few weeks.

And that guilt is sucking the joy out of it for me.

Also, I started my blog as a means to keep my friends and family updated on my training and fundraising progress with TNT. And many of them still read my blog. I have several family members that still read it, an ex-boyfriend who reads it, friends that read it, my current boyfriend reads it, and I'm sure a few others that I'm not even aware of because literally every single person I know was sent an email with this url included in it.

And I LOVE that they care, and I LOVE that they want to keep up with my training, and I LOVE that they support me, and I LOVE that by reading they are better able to stay in touch and know what is going on with me.

But at the same time, I don't exactly have the anonymity to pour out my every thought, now do I? And sometimes I miss being able to write without the filter in place of knowing that I need to be careful about what I write. I try to keep it PG - 13ish in case there are younger readers. I try not to mention other individuals very much as to not cause them attention that they may not want. And as much as they might love me, there are probably some things that my friends and family just really don't want to know about me.

I also have tried pretty hard to keep my blog related to running, and avoid boring everyone with my random life stuff. But sometimes, I'd like to write about the rest of my life. To be able to rant about a bad day or talk about my dreams or fears. Whatever.

So, I am finding myself at a crossroads. What do I do?

Do I keep blogging just like I have been and limit what I say to mostly running stuff? Do I delete my blog and just say screw it, I quit? Do I start another anonymous blog where I can blog about my non-running life? Every 5 minutes I come to a different conclusion!

I'm also feeling like I am at a crossroads with my running. Mentally I'm really struggling right now and I'm not sure what I'm gong to do. Part of me wants to quit. Just toss in the towel and walk away. Because there are so many things I'm tired of. But another part of me thinks it might just be the weather, and the fact that it is April and it has snowed for the past 10 days in a row, and I'm sick of the treadmill. But I don't think I'm quite ready to deal with it or make a decision. Or even to fully explore all the issues that are there. Which is probably why I ended up writing about blogging instead, which wasn't really my intent when I sat down.

I'm really quite good at avoiding things that I don't want to deal with! But I will. Soon! Just as soon as I can come up with something resembling a decision about what I want to do.