Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Mama's Got A New Pair of Shoes

With 4 pain free miles on them.


The longest pain free run to date.


Except for the blisters, that is.

Start over sucks!

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Invasion of the RBF

Firefly is one of the most diligent RBFers when it comes to reading and comment on others blogs. Rarely a post goes by where she doesn't leave me a comment, and it is very unusual to not see her name among the top of the comment list on every blog I read. She is great at motivating everyone else and she rocks.

Recently, she left this comment on my blog. Here's the part pertaining to the topic of this post...

"As I am going this crazy ankle incident, my mind freaked and thought of what you went through with your ankle stuff. This gives me the strength to stay off of my feet and listen to doc's orders."

and I felt honored and surprised that she actually thought of me in her "real life", outside of reading my blog.

But it shouldn't be surprising because many members of the RBF have invaded my life. Not just my running life, but my "life" life.

But I wasn't aware of just how much until just a few short nights ago.

I actually had a dream that Mouse and I were on our way to a race, and got a flat tire just as we were about to pull into the parking lot. We could see the runners heading toward the starting line and knew the race was about to start so we just left the car where it was and took off toward the start.

I've never even met her! And I'm dreaming about being late to the start of a race with her.

I have no explanation where the dream came from, but I do love her. She, more than any other, gives me hope. She once wrote a post stating that running 10 miles was no longer hard for her. And as a concept I get that, because running one, or maybe two miles, is no longer hard for me.

But 10? I live for the day!

And because of her I believe it is possible.

It's insane I tell you. This invasion of the RBF.

And she's not the only one. There are so many more.....

One of the first, and still a favorite is, little miss runner pants. She makes me laugh, and has, on occasion, made me cry, reading about her crazy antics and her never ending determination. And I find myself looking forward to her next post about her crazy weekend or her excitement over her newest bike accessory.

Another of the first was Trizilla, who is among the most inspiring! This girl never gives up, no matter what the challenge facing her, and her ability to write a race report makes you feel like you were on the course with her every step of the way. When I am having a tough run, she sometimes pops into my mind and helps me grit my teeth and get through it.

Mike and Lisa hold a special place in my heart because they remind me of home, and through them I get to hear about my old haunts. And also because I have so much enjoyed following along with them on their training adventures for the Chicago Marathon. I look forward to eventually getting my butt back home for a race and actually getting to meet them.

Liv is just plain awesome, and hysterical to boot. She has an energy that is contagious. And she gets my sense of humor. I mean, she got my toilet paper joke in the middle of my pity party. And because of a post of hers about an awesome running poster she bought, I now own the same one. (Sorry, Liv, I'm a copy cat - but imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, as they say.)

Jess keeps me smiling with tales of running with her adorable dog, Scooter. And makes me miss having a dog, and think about getting another one.

And then there is Running Jayhawk. Where do I even begin? I'd think we were long lost twins separated at birth, except I'm 7 years older than she is, almost to the day. She shares my love of carrot cake, she runs the same pace as I do, and many of her posts ring so true to me, that I could have written them myself. Not being able to meet her was one of my main disappointments about not being able to run the Chicago Marathon.

There as so, so many more.... Jelly, Yumke, Sunshine, Running Rabbit, Tara, Sonia, Nicole, Running by, OOSG, teacherwoman, just to name a few. It would take me all night to list everyone.

So, I just wanted to send a huge hug and a big thanks out to each and every one of you. You have more of an impact than you could possibly realize.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Spilling of the Guts

Ok, so I'm sure that everyone has noticed that I've gone MIA recently. I've been reading and commenting, but I haven't been posting. I just haven't had anything to say lately.

I'm mildly depressed over the Chicago Marathon coming and going without me. It was supposed to be my race, Damn It! Who wrote the effing rules, and decided that I didn't get to play? So, I spent the entire day Sunday checking everyone's progress in between feeling sorry for myself that I wasn't there running, too.

I kept feeling like a quitter and wondering if I could have done something to run it anyway. And then kept trying to remind myself that every time I tried to run for the first month after the injury I literally couldn't walk for two days. But my mind was still full of the what if I had.... thoughts.

And I've been checking everyone's blogs like a drug addict needing a fix. I need to read everyone's race reports so I can live vicariously through everyone who did run it!

So my disappearance is a result of regret and self pity over not being able to run the marathon combined with all of the following...

My weight loss is at a stand still and I haven't been running, so what is there to say, really?

Oh sure, I've lost weight. Probably about 40 lbs by now. But it hasn't been 40 consecutive lbs. Instead, I just keep gaining and losing the same 3 lbs over, and over,

and over.

So for the past month now I have been stuck in the same place. I just can't quite kick myself over that 10 lbs lost mark. I keep knocking on its door, but it's just not letting me in. So, I persevere in my attempts to regain my wardrobe, one item at a time.

And I'm not running. I have no real excuse. If I get right down to the truth, I've just been lazy.

But beyond that, much beyond that, is that I'm finding myself in a strange place.

I seem to be in this weird nesting phase. I have this fire under my butt to clean and organize every square inch of my house. And I am stocking up on everything from shampoo to napkins to Campbell's soup. I could get snowed in until April and never have the need to visit a store.

I may not need to buy toilet paper again until the next century!

And I know this is a weird place to be, but it's where I'm at right now. I admit that I am a neat freak, but this is getting ridiculous even for me!

In the past few weeks I have cleaned every room of my house, vacuumed under all the furniture, organized my closet, cleaned my oven, scrubbed the stains from the carpet.

I've even changed the dirt in all of my plants.

I wish I was kidding.

I think all of this is coming from some external circumstances affecting my mental stability. Controlling my surroundings seems to be my way of trying to grab onto something and hold on tight, when it is being thrown in my face over and over again how little control I really have over things.

As a child, I grew up in a great neighborhood where everyone knew everyone, etc. etc. There was a large group of kids that hung out together that was about ten years older than I was, and than there was another group about my age that I was part of, plus a handful of kids in between the two age groups. So, I knew the older kids, but wouldn't call them my "friends".

So, time goes on we all grow up, blah, blah, blah. And two of the "kids" from the older group become friends with my dad. We will call them TB and RF. So, those two, plus a few other guys spend a lot of time together in the upper peninsula of Michigan snowmobiling almost every weekend and staying at an apartment that they rented together. So, because my dad got to know these two guys better, so did I.

Time goes on, things change. TB and RF get married, have kids. My parent's buy their house in the U.P. and my dad no longer needs to rent the apartment since he now lives up there. Blah, Blah.

But, the group of guys stays in touch, and through my parents I hear about them, and see them on occasion. I really like both of them, as they are good guys, and a lot of fun.

On Father's Day of this year, as the result of an accident, my parents and I attended the funeral of the younger brother of RF. He was electrocuted fixing his boat. He was only 38. It sucked and it was hard, but it was a weird freak accident, and accidents happen. Plus, I knew RF, the older brother, not the younger one. So, I was there for moral support mostly.

At the funeral of RF's younger brother, TB looked awful. Had lost a lot of weight, poor coloring, etc. And it was explained that he had just gotten out of the hospital with a bought of pancreatitis. I was skeptical, but took the explanation at face value.

A few weeks later, we got a call that TB, in fact, had pancreatic cancer with only a few months to live. He was 42.

So, the summer goes by and the younger brother enters my mind on occasion. He was so young! Only 6 years older than me. What if I only have 6 more years to live? Am I doing what I want with my life? Am I wasting time? Am I doing what I need to do to reach my goals? Blah. Blah.

TB enters my mind. Cancer. At age 42. That's just wrong. WRONG! Did you hear me? WRONG I SAY! He has two young sons. He's a great guy. He has dealt with so much emotional pain in his life, and so much physical pain from past health problems. He doesn't deserve this!!

Then back in August... Remember this post, where I was discussing getting my hair cut? Well, I went into the salon that day. And I'm standing in line to check in and I see a note posted to the desk stating that one of the girls in the salon, that I know extremely well, had suffered a stoke, at the age of 39, one week after giving birth to her second child. She was undergoing rehab and they did not know if or when she would be returning to work. So, my head is already spinning from this news and I get up to the desk and tell the receptionist my name and who I'm there to see, only to be told that my hair stylist was not in because her 39 year old husband had just been killed in a car accident a few days before. In a matter of 2 minutes time I find out that 2 people that I knew very well, just suffered major tragedies at the ripe old age of 39. My head was reeling for days and I didn't know what to do.

Fast forward to my birthday in September, where I turn 32. Repeat re-evaluation of life. How the hell did I get so old? Where did the years go? Am I where I want to be? Is there something I want to change? What do I really want out of life? Blah, Blah.

On October 11, I attended TB's funeral. The funeral of a 42 year old, stolen away by cancer. Leaving behind a 12 year old and a 7 year old. I sobbed. I was in shock. And I'm still reeling.

I can't get it out of my head. What if tomorrow is my last day? What if I only have 1 more year?

It may seem odd, that I'd want to spend that last day or week cleaning and shopping. But I think it is my strange way of trying to gain some control over something. Anything. And the stocking up is my way of reassuring myself that tomorrow will come. Because who can die when they have 300 rolls of unused toilet paper, right?

So, to say the least, my head's not in the game. But it will be. I promise you that.

In the back of my mind the wheels are a churin' and the gears are a grinidin', and I'm pondering over what this runnergirl is going to start training for next. It's a small quiet hum right now, but it'll be get gettin' louder and soon I won't be able to ingore it any more.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Chicago Marathoners...

GOOD LUCK this weekend!

And don't forget you rock! You have worked so hard training all season and I know that you are all going to do awesome. So go out there and kick some Chicago Marathon butt.

I wish I could be there with you, but I'll be cheering each of you on from here. I can't wait to read all of the race reports!

Wednesday, October 4, 2006

Boo Yah!

3.5 miles before a mild ankle twinge got me to stop.

I rock.

Seeking Advise

Calling all runners...

This means EVERYONE, even you lurkers out there.

I need some help.

My ankle IS going to get better.

(please, oh please let it be soon!)

And when that happens I'm going to need a race in mind. I'm thinking that I want to do another half marathon in the spring/early summer 2007, because even if the ankle takes the whole 6 months to recover, there will still be time to train for it.

So, come on guys.... show me some love and toss me some ideas.

Tuesday, October 3, 2006

The Beginning

2.15 miles.

No ankle pain.

Woo Hoo!

(And please... don't anyone ask why I stopped after only 2.15 miles if my ankle wasn't hurting! Because then I'd have to admit that I stopped because I was tired and mentally I'm just not ready to go there.)

Monday, October 2, 2006

The New Plan

The current status of the ankle is that I can run 2 - 3 miles before it kicks in. If I stop as soon as the pain starts, there is no residual effect. But, I am unable to run farther than that no matter how much I might want to.

I was hoping by now to have some idea of when I could start really training again! I've been wanting to pick a race and get back in the game.

I realize I'm being overly anxious and extremely impatient, as the doctor said 3 - 6 months recovery, and it's been a little over 2....

but I can't help it!

I'm anxious to get back to running again. But, at the same time I am busy. So, without a training schedule to follow, I haven't been doing much of anything. I have decided that I need some extra motivation to get me moving again. So I have given myself a new goal, and a new plan.

So far this year I have ran just under 350 miles.

The goal...

By 11:59 PM on December 31, 2006, I want to have made it 500 miles.

The plan...

If I divide it out evenly it works out to be 11.5 miles a week. I think that is manageable, and if I struggle a little on the front end, I'm hoping the ankle will be better healed in the later weeks and I can make it up.

I'm also going to FINALLY get myself that new pair of shoes in the next week or two.

So, wish me luck. Call me names. Give me a guilt trip. Bribe me. Resort to blackmail. Whatever it takes to help push along on my new path!

Here's to having a new goal!