I Can't Juggle

*Warning - This is mostly just random ranting.*

Have you ever had one of those experiences where you feel like you are standing outside of yourself watching something happen in slow motion. And you should be able to reach out and stop it, but you just can't?

Yeah.

That's what my life feels like.

I have so many things going on, and I'm trying to juggle them all and keep all the balls up in the air. And I feel like I am finally loosing my grip on it all. I feel like I am standing on the side line, watching myself fumble with the balls. I want to stop them from falling, but I just can't. And as of a few days ago, I think every single one of them has gone crashing to the ground.

I keep saying that I feel like someone/something has a hold of each of my arms and legs and are pulling in different directions. I can't keep up with it all and I just want it to stop!

I had two of the worst days ever at work back to back, and I swear I want to crawl under a rock and never go back! Sometimes people are just so unbelievably rude and they act like they own me and my time. Like I don't have a life outside of the office and I should be at their beck and call every second of every day. Someone came in last Wednesday, without an appointment I might add, and requested that I research something for them. I had a hard time finding the information - which I did on my own time FROM HOME, and when I called her on Monday morning she had the nerve to say, "I wondered if you were ever going to call me." ARGH! And I wish I could say that was the worst of it, but it doesn't even come close!

The group of friends that I hang out with is suffering a major riff and I feel caught in the middle. I'm trying not to choose sides over it, but it's hard because I have a strong opinion about who is at fault. I'm also catching some back lashing directed at me, and I'm not even sure what it is all about. But instead of addressing it with me, the individuals involved are ignoring me. I'm so tired of it I just want to throw up my hands and walk away. But I can't because these people are my boyfriend's life long friends. It is inevitable that I am going to see them on a regular basis forever. But, how do you fix a problem with someone who is refusing to talk to you?

I'm in the middle of finishing my basement and I feel like I have a second full time job trying to deal with that. I'm surprised that Home Depot and Lowe's haven't started charging me rent because I think I'm there more than at my house. My parents are the ones doing the work, and I feel guilty that I haven't been helping, but I just don't have the time. And we are in a mad rush to try to get it done before my parents leave in a few weeks on vacation for a month and I get my house reappraised for a new mortgage in May.

The taxes for my corporation are due by March 15 and I have been working like a mad women trying to gather all my paperwork for my appointment with my accountant on Friday.

My honored hero from when I ran Indy with TNT, had a big scare about a possible relapse last week, and it frightened me so much. I have stayed in touch with him and his family and I can't stand the thought of more heart ache and tragedy for them! Thank goodness, the tests came back ok, but it was a long week waiting for the doctors to know what was going on.

One of my oldest and dearest friends adopted a little boy from Vietnam this past summer and he just had his first birthday on Christmas Eve. They are finding out that he has a lot of health issues and is deaf. I'm heart broken for him and for them and all that they are dealing with. I can hear the sadness and defeat in my friend's voice every time I talk to her and it breaks my heart. It has been such a long road for her getting to this point, and I feel so sad for her and the road that lies ahead.

I can't see my office desk or floor. I got behind with my life back over the holidays when I was so sick and I still haven't got caught back up. My New Year's resolution this year was to try to stop procrastinating. And I've actually been doing pretty well with it. But I started the year so far in the hole that I couldn't see day light, and I'm just now starting to climb back out of it.

With everything that is going on, I haven't even thought about running. And I feel guilty because of it. And I know that running would probably make a world of difference in my mental state. But right now just trying to find the time to fit in one more thing makes me want to sit down and bawl my eyes out. So, it's just gonna have to wait.

And then I read Mouse's Blog and feel like a total shit because my problems are nothing compared to what she is dealing with! I really need to gain some perspective on what is really important.

But I just don't have the time.

Where, oh where, is that fast forward button for life???

I leave for vacation one week from today. If I don't have a mental break down before then.

One week!!

Which is probably adding to my stress because I have even more on my plate trying to get ready to leave. But you won't find anyone more in need of a vacation than I right now!

And the training schedule will get posted on the fridge, and I'll hit the ground running as soon as I get home.

Until then, I think I'm just going to leave the balls where they fell, get in bed, pull the covers over my head, and refuse to come out until next week when it's time to get on the plane.

Movies

I admit it. I'm a wimp.

I hate cold weather!

So, I spend a lot of time running inside on my treadmill during the winter months.

Conveniently, directly in front of my treadmill sits a TV.

Happily, this TV is connected to a DVD player.

So, to distract myself from the monotony of running, yet going no where, I usually entertain myself by watching movies. I have recently bought quite a few new movies, but I have also been spending a lot of time watching them. So, I'm getting bored with them already.

I've been thinking about joining Netflix or Blockbuster Total Access.

I was wondering if anyone out there in blog land is a member of either of these, and if you would recommend them.

Thanks!

Training Schedule

I have a schedule!!

For once it actually wasn't too hard to come up with.

Probably because I have been thinking about it for a looonnnggg time!

I had it about halfway complete when I caught the cold that just wouldn't quit, followed by the bladder infection from hell, followed by yet another cold that is still lingering as I sit here, that caused me to rearrange my race plans and nix the idea of running the Sarasota half.

As usual, the schedule is my own made up concoction based on my work and life schedule along with my goals for the race. Of which there are only two:

1. Finish the race

2. Finish the race in 2:42:31 or less (making it a faster time than I ran last year at the Indy Mini)

I think that is doable if I just stick to a basic training schedule and get the miles in. So, that's the kind of schedule I have designed... one that will increase my mileage from what I ran while training for the Indy Half, without adding any of the speed stuff which I fear will make me hate the training.

The only thing I am going to add this time around is some hill training. Every running route I use ends with a gradual incline up the road to my house. And every run, I get half way back and start dreading that darn hill.

If it can even be called a hill.

It really is just a very gradual incline. But, I hate the fact that it feels like my shoes are filled with cement as soon as I hit it. So, I have decided that I need to do some hill work to battle that demon.

And just for jeanne, the new blogger is better than I expected. Many of the things that I observed and thought I would not like are options that I was able to change. I like some of the new choices for the layout design and it seems pretty user friendly for my computer unsavvy self. I like how the spell checker functions much better, and it even now recognizes blog as a
word.

Imagine that!

As to be expected, there were a few negatives... When I switched over it kicked out some of my side bar stuff and I have yet to add it back in, and for some reason I am unable to get my countdown counter to resume function. I have also apparently aged 218 years while I wasn't looking because my profile now shows me to be 250 years old.

But, damn do I look good for my age!

Blogiversary

My one year blogiversary was this past week. The day came and went and somewhere in the back of my mind was the thought that I started my blog a year ago. But, I was so insanely busy with the rest of my life that I didn't take the time to look it up to be sure. I looked over the weekend, and sure enough... my first post was on January 10, 2006.

Many things in my life slip by so quickly that when the anniversary rolls around I find myself saying, "I can't believe it's been a year since I..."

But not this time. For some reason the time I've spend keeping my blog hasn't slipped by unnoted and unnoticed. I don't know if it is because many of my posts are filled with the results of my soul searching, and therefore are memorable to me. Or if it simply because keeping my blog is something that I enjoy so much.

There have been a few times through the past year that I thought about giving up my blogging. Like when I injured my ankle and stopped running, or when life has just gotten so busy I feel lucky to find time to pay the bills, now yet be able to find enough time to put some thoughts down "on paper". But, I keep coming back again and again.

It's ironic, because my intent for starting this blog bears no relationship to my reasons for continuing it.

I set out blogging as a means to keep my friends and family up to date on my fundraising and training efforts for Team in Training.

But, the level of support that I have gotten from the RBF has been incredible, and is what has kept me coming back.

I don't know any individuals in my "real life" that run. My family doesn't run. None of my friends run. I was unable to really participate much with the group trainings when I was involved with TNT because I work every Saturday morning. And for the same reason, I've never made an attempt to join the local running club. So, I haven't met any new local running friends. So, I run solo. And I'm ok with that for the actual pounding the pavement part, but I do need support.

In my world, I can sense the mental eye rolling every time I announce that I have decided to start training for a new race. I can feel the thoughts going through every one's mind. The people who know me, but aren't affected by my training, start thinking, "Here she goes again. She's insane." And the ones who are affected by the training start in with, "Oh great. Here we go again. She's going to turn into the training nazi... with the early nights, and earlier mornings; with the no more drinking until the race is over; with the "No, I can't. I have to run." response when asked to do something; with the constant babble about shoes and gear and diet and hydration and carbs and pace and weather.

And I'm not trying to say that my friends and family aren't supportive. But they are supportive in a "Oh, that's cool if it's what you want to do." kind of way. As in an acceptance of the running, because they love and accept me.

But they don't "Get IT."

I blog because all of you wonderful, marvelous, (and slightly insane) fellow runners out there... all of you "Get IT."

And for that I say Thank You. A huge heartfelt Thank You. For the support, for the advise, for the validation, and for keeping me coming back for more.

Happy Blogiversary to me and Happy Running to all of you!

Taking the Plunge

Well, I'm finally joining the ranks and switching to the new blogger.

I was holding off because I wasn't too crazy about some of the things I was experiencing when trying to comment on every else's blogs, but now that blogger is out of beta, I figure I'd have to switch eventually anyway.

So, here's to a new year on the new blogger.

And for those of you that have been wondering, Running Rabbit is not lost. She just changed her URL. I've updated the link on the side of my blog... just click and there she is...along with all of her colorful and descriptive posts.

I'm So Excited.....

and I just can't hide it. I'm about to lose control and I think...

Whoops, sorry about that. I got a little carried away there!

Talk about perfect timing.

Talk about fate.

Talk about destiny.

The boyfriend and I have been talking about going on vacation together for a long time.

Like, for over 2 years, long.

And I finally decided that enough was enough. We were going. SOON!

So, I sat down at my trusty computer and searched until I found THE PERFECT vacation...

A 4 night cruise to the Bahamas, that just so happens to coincide with the world's most wonderful boyfriend's 29th birthday. (Yes, I'm older than him!)

I would have loved to make it a surprise, but I wasn't quite sure how I was going to manage to request vacation time for him. So, I pretty much had to tell him so he could put in the request.

So, the cruise was booked on January 2. Then...

On January 3, I decided that I was running the Bayshore Half. I wasn't positive where the training would fall with the cruise, but I figured I'd just make it work. I'd run circles around the deck or run on the treadmill, and cheat the days a bit to do the long runs before and after. And I'd decided that, while it might come close to killing me to not partake of copious amounts of alcohol while on the cruise, I was willing to make the sacrifice to be able to do both things.

Then yesterday, I got out the calendar so I could start figuring up a training schedule. And guess what ....

We get back from the cruise on a Tuesday, and I will start "official" training the next Monday.

Can't get more perfect than that!

It was just meant to be.

Woo Hoo!

Warped Sense of Reality

I was talking to the boyfriend last night and told him the big announcement.

I explained to him that I was ready to start running again. I told him how I had been missing it, and wanted to get back to it. I said how much happier I feel when I am running, and I just feel like a better person.

Then I said that I was going to do something small because I'm not ready to commit to another marathon just now. I can just feel that deep down I'm not ready yet and I'd rather wait it out than commit too early and be unsuccessful a second time.

So, then he asked me what I was going to run. And I told him that I had signed up for the Bayshore half.

And his response was basically.. "A half marathon?!?! You're going to run another half marathon?"

I guess we have different ideas of what constitutes a small race. I think he was expecting me to tell him that I signed up for a 5K.

We runners have a warped sense of reality!

Bring It On

I'm back!

It's been an agonizing past five months for me.

Suffering the ankle injury back in July, and having to bow out of running the Chicago Marathon was crushing for me.

I had finally... finally ... found the determination to reach for my long time dream of completing a marathon only to have it come crashing to an end before I really even got going. And something inside of me just cracked, and I quit. I basically just shrugged my shoulders and walked away because it hurt too much to do anything else.

But then the quitting hurt, too. I'm not a quitter! I could never have gotten to where I am in my life with the mentality of a quitter. When things get tough, I don't walk away. I grit my teeth, dig in my heels, and come out swinging.

So, why the different attitude now?

Something seemed to change in me the day I had to quit training for Chicago. I'm not good at failure. I've spent a life time avoiding things that I'm afraid I won't be good at, so I don't have to admit to failing at something. And failing at my first attempt at a full marathon was tough for me to deal with. I had a hard time internalizing it. I had a hard time admitting to the defeat. And I think I lost my confidence along the way, and to be perfectly honest I'm still not up for a second try.

But I have reached the point where the quitting is worse than the failing, and that says a lot. Quitting on something that I love just feels wrong. Missing something so badly and denying myself from doing it doesn't make any sense.

I failed.

SO WHAT!

So, after licking my wounds, and feeling sorry for myself, and sulking for the past 5 months. I'm ready to dust myself off and hit the ground running.

And even though I'm still suffering from a bruised ego and a lack of confidence. And even though I'm not ready to stare down the marathon demon. Yet.

I am ready to run again!

I miss it more than words can say, and I can't wait to get back out there and start training again.

So, I've picked a race!!

Yep, you heard me. I've finally made a decision about what's next for this runner girl.

Drum Roll, Please.....

I will be running the Bayshore Half Marathon in Traverse City, Michigan on May 26, 2007.

Bring It On, Baby!