Wednesday, January 31, 2007

I Can't Juggle

*Warning - This is mostly just random ranting.*

Have you ever had one of those experiences where you feel like you are standing outside of yourself watching something happen in slow motion. And you should be able to reach out and stop it, but you just can't?


That's what my life feels like.

I have so many things going on, and I'm trying to juggle them all and keep all the balls up in the air. And I feel like I am finally loosing my grip on it all. I feel like I am standing on the side line, watching myself fumble with the balls. I want to stop them from falling, but I just can't. And as of a few days ago, I think every single one of them has gone crashing to the ground.

I keep saying that I feel like someone/something has a hold of each of my arms and legs and are pulling in different directions. I can't keep up with it all and I just want it to stop!

I had two of the worst days ever at work back to back, and I swear I want to crawl under a rock and never go back! Sometimes people are just so unbelievably rude and they act like they own me and my time. Like I don't have a life outside of the office and I should be at their beck and call every second of every day. Someone came in last Wednesday, without an appointment I might add, and requested that I research something for them. I had a hard time finding the information - which I did on my own time FROM HOME, and when I called her on Monday morning she had the nerve to say, "I wondered if you were ever going to call me." ARGH! And I wish I could say that was the worst of it, but it doesn't even come close!

The group of friends that I hang out with is suffering a major riff and I feel caught in the middle. I'm trying not to choose sides over it, but it's hard because I have a strong opinion about who is at fault. I'm also catching some back lashing directed at me, and I'm not even sure what it is all about. But instead of addressing it with me, the individuals involved are ignoring me. I'm so tired of it I just want to throw up my hands and walk away. But I can't because these people are my boyfriend's life long friends. It is inevitable that I am going to see them on a regular basis forever. But, how do you fix a problem with someone who is refusing to talk to you?

I'm in the middle of finishing my basement and I feel like I have a second full time job trying to deal with that. I'm surprised that Home Depot and Lowe's haven't started charging me rent because I think I'm there more than at my house. My parents are the ones doing the work, and I feel guilty that I haven't been helping, but I just don't have the time. And we are in a mad rush to try to get it done before my parents leave in a few weeks on vacation for a month and I get my house reappraised for a new mortgage in May.

The taxes for my corporation are due by March 15 and I have been working like a mad women trying to gather all my paperwork for my appointment with my accountant on Friday.

My honored hero from when I ran Indy with TNT, had a big scare about a possible relapse last week, and it frightened me so much. I have stayed in touch with him and his family and I can't stand the thought of more heart ache and tragedy for them! Thank goodness, the tests came back ok, but it was a long week waiting for the doctors to know what was going on.

One of my oldest and dearest friends adopted a little boy from Vietnam this past summer and he just had his first birthday on Christmas Eve. They are finding out that he has a lot of health issues and is deaf. I'm heart broken for him and for them and all that they are dealing with. I can hear the sadness and defeat in my friend's voice every time I talk to her and it breaks my heart. It has been such a long road for her getting to this point, and I feel so sad for her and the road that lies ahead.

I can't see my office desk or floor. I got behind with my life back over the holidays when I was so sick and I still haven't got caught back up. My New Year's resolution this year was to try to stop procrastinating. And I've actually been doing pretty well with it. But I started the year so far in the hole that I couldn't see day light, and I'm just now starting to climb back out of it.

With everything that is going on, I haven't even thought about running. And I feel guilty because of it. And I know that running would probably make a world of difference in my mental state. But right now just trying to find the time to fit in one more thing makes me want to sit down and bawl my eyes out. So, it's just gonna have to wait.

And then I read Mouse's Blog and feel like a total shit because my problems are nothing compared to what she is dealing with! I really need to gain some perspective on what is really important.

But I just don't have the time.

Where, oh where, is that fast forward button for life???

I leave for vacation one week from today. If I don't have a mental break down before then.

One week!!

Which is probably adding to my stress because I have even more on my plate trying to get ready to leave. But you won't find anyone more in need of a vacation than I right now!

And the training schedule will get posted on the fridge, and I'll hit the ground running as soon as I get home.

Until then, I think I'm just going to leave the balls where they fell, get in bed, pull the covers over my head, and refuse to come out until next week when it's time to get on the plane.


  1. sometimes you just need to let the balls fall while you set up a plan of action as to how you're going to deal with everything, sweetie. just take deep breaths. everything will be a-ok.

  2. ((Hugs)) Hang in there! You can do it!

  3. You are almost to vacation time!! Hang in there!

  4. God knows i wouldn't pretend to help solve your problems, but i totally emphasize with trying people who want you at a moments notice.

    it's the instant gratification world we live in.

    a friend gave me a book a few years ago "don't sweat the small stuff, it's all small stuff"

    Truthfully, i've never read it, i just refer to the title when i get a little beat up.

    enjoy your vacation.... don't forget how much an occasional glance at a treadmill counts as training while on holiday....

  5. I think I hear a recurring theme here...I have read so many blogs (including my own) that have the same story line. I'm sorry that you're so stressed but glad to know that its not just me! Have a great trip!

  6. My name is Robert Key and I am a runner from Houston, Texas. I saw your blog listed when I was looking through the RBF directory and very much enjoyed reading some of your entries. My heart goes out to your friend with the adopted child and the health issues, but let me tell you something... My daughter is 18 and is a special ed student, and she is my hero. Had we listened years ago to the so-called "experts", she would have never been put in public schools and just been filed away. I would not have it. This year, she is on her 3rd year of high school drill team and is a graduating senior. Is life tough for her and was it tough for us getting her here? YES, but like a long marathon, it was worth the struggle and sacrifice to cross that finish line.

    I would like to share something with you. I have a web site at that is inspirational stories for walkers, runners and athletes of all ages and abilities. A new feature I have recently added to the site is a categorized and searchable Running Blog Database where members of my site can find a blog of interest to them based on other walkers, runners or athletes of similar abilities, goals and interests. To my knowledge it is the only one of its kind specifically for walkers and runners on the internet. I would appreciate it if you would take a moment to put a link to your blog in our Running Blog Database. Just click on "Link your running blog" under "Free Features" from the home page. If you want to learn more about my running background, just click on "Meet Robert" from the main menu , or to learn more about my involvement in the running community, click on "Faithful Soles in the news" in the left column under "Weekly Features". I also have a blog that I just started at, but most of my running information is on my web site. Also, if there is anyone else in your blogger network that you think would be interested in listing their blog, please feel free to pass this information along to them. Thanks and continued good luck in your training.

  7. If you've ever notice that after a juggler drops his balls, he picks them up one at a time and starts again.

    You will too.

    take care,
    Arizona, USA

  8. that is just too much stuff to deal with! at least you have a vacation to look forward to! hang in there.

  9. It's sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now. Take care of yourself and enjoy your time away! Try not to think about anything but relaxing and enjoying your time in the Bahamas with your boyfriend!

  10. So glad that you are getting away to the Bahamas. You have a lot of balls in the air.

    As the mom of a special child, I feel for your friend. Sounds like she is on top of it and being aggressive with all necessary treatments; and please just tell her that there will be much challenge but so much joy in her life from this little one. Peace to her and to you:-)