Thursday, April 12, 2007


When I was in college I started keeping a journal.

It all started because of a guy.

A guy.... that I thought was unbelievable.... that I thought I wanted to always be with.... that broke my heart.... that I thought I'd never get over.... that I compared every other guy to for years. But also a guy that I was too scared to give a second chance to when he finally asked for it because I was afraid I'd get hurt again.

In an attempt to rid my mind of the swirling memories of my "one that got away", I started writing.

I poured out my heart and soul into my journal. I sat and let the thoughts flow from my head to my hand. Whatever crossed my mind ended up on the paper. It was therapeutic. It was eye opening.

Most of the time I just opened up to a blank page, grabbed a pen in a funky color, and started writing anything and everything that came to me. I rarely knew what the topic was going to be until I got going. Sometimes the things I wrote really surprised me. I learned a lot about myself.

And I liked doing it.

For years I kept the writing up and I had filled notebooks full of my innermost thoughts and desires. Filled up pages with my secret wants and fears.

I felt like I literally grew up on those pages. I went through the struggle of changing from the child I was to the adult I am in those notebooks.

Then one day, I just stopped writing.

Not for any reason. Life just got in the way.

I was working full time. Keeping up with my husband, my parents, my friends, my house, my car, my pets. And I just stopped writing.

Finally, I opened up the most recent notebook and noticed that it had been over two years since I had written a word. I started thinking about how enjoyable my journals used to be for me, and decided that I wanted to start writing again. So, I bought myself a pretty new notebook, came home and wrote a few pages, set it aside, and never wrote in it again.

All of a sudden it felt like a chore.

Like something I had to do.

And it was no longer enjoyable.

So, one evening I sat down with all of those old notebooks spread around me from the past 10 years of my life.

I read every word.

Then shredded every page.

That may sound like a strange thing to do. I mean, why not just put them in a box and tuck them away or something.

But, I knew they were there... with those empty pages calling out to me to start writing again.

And I was tired of feeling the pressure.

Shredding them was my road to freedom. And free I was.

And it felt good.

Insert a few years, and here I am.

Sitting here journaling again.

And I am facing that with very mixed emotions right now.

My blog is starting to feel like an obligation. I feel like I owe it to all of my faithful readers to keep them updated on my running status. And I want to keep them updated. But once again, life seems like it is creeping in and getting in the way.

I feel guilty when I haven't had the time to post for a few weeks.

And that guilt is sucking the joy out of it for me.

Also, I started my blog as a means to keep my friends and family updated on my training and fundraising progress with TNT. And many of them still read my blog. I have several family members that still read it, an ex-boyfriend who reads it, friends that read it, my current boyfriend reads it, and I'm sure a few others that I'm not even aware of because literally every single person I know was sent an email with this url included in it.

And I LOVE that they care, and I LOVE that they want to keep up with my training, and I LOVE that they support me, and I LOVE that by reading they are better able to stay in touch and know what is going on with me.

But at the same time, I don't exactly have the anonymity to pour out my every thought, now do I? And sometimes I miss being able to write without the filter in place of knowing that I need to be careful about what I write. I try to keep it PG - 13ish in case there are younger readers. I try not to mention other individuals very much as to not cause them attention that they may not want. And as much as they might love me, there are probably some things that my friends and family just really don't want to know about me.

I also have tried pretty hard to keep my blog related to running, and avoid boring everyone with my random life stuff. But sometimes, I'd like to write about the rest of my life. To be able to rant about a bad day or talk about my dreams or fears. Whatever.

So, I am finding myself at a crossroads. What do I do?

Do I keep blogging just like I have been and limit what I say to mostly running stuff? Do I delete my blog and just say screw it, I quit? Do I start another anonymous blog where I can blog about my non-running life? Every 5 minutes I come to a different conclusion!

I'm also feeling like I am at a crossroads with my running. Mentally I'm really struggling right now and I'm not sure what I'm gong to do. Part of me wants to quit. Just toss in the towel and walk away. Because there are so many things I'm tired of. But another part of me thinks it might just be the weather, and the fact that it is April and it has snowed for the past 10 days in a row, and I'm sick of the treadmill. But I don't think I'm quite ready to deal with it or make a decision. Or even to fully explore all the issues that are there. Which is probably why I ended up writing about blogging instead, which wasn't really my intent when I sat down.

I'm really quite good at avoiding things that I don't want to deal with! But I will. Soon! Just as soon as I can come up with something resembling a decision about what I want to do.


  1. i say, keep the blog. and remember it's YOUR blog. for YOU. update when YOU want. and when YOU can. it's really ok to take a break sometimes. and when you do post, people will be all the more excited to hear from you :)

    and as for keeping a personal journal, you can keep an anonymous one online. there are other blogging services besides blogger that do a better job of keeping your blog private. or you can start a word document on your computer that you write in just for yourself. and whether you write it in regularly, who cares? again, this journal is for YOU. you set the rules.

    and as for the running, we all get sick of it sometimes. but what keeps us coming back is some sort of goal. some sort of hunger. it's ok if it lays dormant for awhile. and even if you do hang up your running shoes for awhile, it doesn't mean you're turning your back on it forever.

    i guess the main point of this long comment is this: the blog, the journal, the running were all started BY you FOR you. treasure and value the idea of those things being a way to treat yourself, take care of yourself, and maybe they won't seem so much like chores. take it easy on yourself chica :)

  2. You can always start another secret blog or like MPA said, start an online journal -- neithe rof those would have to do with running, and you might be better able to express yourself.

    But I agree with MPA, keep the blog. Keep running. You'll work through the "blahs" ; we all get those.