Sunday Run

Today's run ended up being 5 miles. I really didn't have a goal when I set out. It took me all day to talk myself into getting out there, so I told myself I could stop whenever.

Ah, yes. The games I play.

Splits:

Mile 1 12:03
Mile 2 14:20 (I think my Garmin lost it's signal. At one point it said I was running 17:56. I don't think so!)
Mile 3 11:46
Mile 4 11:59
Mile 5 11:11

All I have to say about the run is this.... #%*@ing ankle. It hurt every single step the entire 5 miles.

I knew my boyfriend was on his way over to my house and was going to be driving by me sometime while I was out running. I kept watching for him for the last half of the run. I was going to flag him down and hitch a ride back.

When he finally passed me, I was hidden on the other side of the road by a huge pick up truck going the opposite direction. I didn't see him because of the truck, and by the time I did see him he was going too fast and was too far past me to flag him down.

I wanted to cry.

But, I pressed on and make it home.

Now I am limping.

But I am not going to think about it. I just can't deal with anything else this week. I'm going to go to bed and when I wake up tomorrow it is going to be fine. Right?

Did I happen to mention that I am the Queen of Denial?

Losing Momentum

It feels like the RBF is in a funk.

Myself included!

Everywhere I turn, there are blogs filled with posts from runners that decided not to train for a spring race this year. There are several more that decided to give up their races due to other life obligations. And then there are the ones like me... we haven't given up yet, but we are hangin' on by a shoelace, and a shredding one at that. I think instead of training, we are just gearing ourselves up for the pain that is going to result from dragging ourselves through the race courses.

Jayhawk and OOSG are running the Country Music half in Nashville this weekend, but in the past few weeks their blogs have been filled with posts about how under trained they feel. And curiously there seem to be more pictures of them partying with Mouse than actually running recently. Hmm... It must be some new form of crossing training, and I'm seriously considering giving it a try myself while on my cruise next week!

Runner Susan is running the Indy half Marathon next weekend, and she too has been discussing feeling under prepared.

Firefly and Jess are both trying to recover from ITB issues.

Liv had been MIA for the past 2 1/2 months, and just recently returned to blog land.

And both Bob and Rabbit recently pulled their blogs.

As for me, I keep flip flopping between running like a mad women and slacking with the best of them. One day I'm telling myself that I'm going to conquer that half marathon. The next I swear that I'm not going to run it.

Of course then there is Mike, out there kicking ass and taking names on his 18 miler. And I pray he keeps it up, because reading his reports and knowing I'm supposed to be running the half to his full at Bayshore is the only, and I do mean the only, thing that gets me out there some days. So, thanks Mike!!

Yoga.

Is. Kicking. My. Butt.

But, in a good way. I'm really enjoying it more that I ever imagined I would, but it hasn't been quite the easy relaxing workout I was anticipating. The more I do it, the more I really want to continue with it. So, I'm trying to decided what I want to do when this class session is over in 3 weeks.

The instructor that I currently have is moving out of state this summer, so I'm going to have to switch regardless, and I don't know exactly what my plan is yet.

What I really should do is drag my butt across town to my gym, and attend the yoga class there, since my membership is ALREADY PAID FOR! Duh. Instead, I'm paying extra to take a class outside of the gym. Even worse is the fact that I am driving 10 minutes farther to it than I would have to drive to the gym.

I admit that my gym isn't in the most practical location for me. It is about 5 minutes from my boyfriend's house and place of employment, but that makes it about 20 - 25 minutes from mine. But it is dirt cheap so it's hard to complain. A year's membership fee wouldn't even cover 3 months at the YMCA or racquet club that are both 5 minutes from my house.

Of course, it has probably been at least 6 months since I've set foot in the place, so it's probably a waste of money even if it is dirt cheap. I have to renew my membership in June and I keep flip flopping about if I should keep it or not. But, I could go to yoga for a year there for the same price that I could go for 16 weeks with my current class.

Blah. Whatever. I'll figure it out.

I'm babbling about yoga schedules and gym costs because I'm trying to stick to something remotely positive. I have had a few incidents happen this past week that have me twisted and tied in knots and I am completely furious about them. Nothing devastating or life altering, but bad enough to about have me spitting bullets, and has me keyed up enough that I can't sleep, and even though I can finally chew, I can't eat either. What I really need to do is go run and stomp out some frustrations. But I got less than 3 hours of sleep last night, and have eaten one meal since lunch yesterday. I'd probably pass out on the road side and no one would find me til morning. So, running is probably not a smart idea. I think I'm just going to go to bed instead, even though it is only 9:00, and hope the world looks a little brighter tomorrow.

If not, I only have to make it for another seven days. I leave for the Bahamas one week from tomorrow.

Well, provided that I actually receive my passport as promised. But that's a whole 'nother issue!

I sent in the paperwork 9 weeks ago! because it expired a few days after I got home from the cruise I took in February. When I called to check on it last week I was told that they were a little backed up.

Ya think?

They promised I'd have it by May 1st. My flight leaves at 7:00 AM on May 3rd.

Nothing like cutting it close. If I miss my cruise, heads will roll.

My cruise leaves from Orlando. My boyfriend's sister lives in Orlando. My back up plan is to crash on her couch for a week if I don't get my passport. That way I'll at least make use of the flight.

Of course, I haven't told her that yet.

Tomorrow is back to the dentist day. Wish me luck...

Play List Extraordinaire

This is my current play list. I'm recording it for my benefit. I'm really happy with it and think that I will use it, with a modification or two, on race day. But, I've been listening to it for a while and I need to change it up for a bit. If anyone listens to similar music and has any suggestions, I'm all ears (or is that eyes?).

Bitch by Meredith Brooks
Hollaback Girl by Gwen Stefani
We Will Rock You by Queen
You Shook Me All Night Long by ACDC
Simply Irresistible by Robert Palmer
Buttons by The Pussycat Dolls
Shake That by Eminem
You Can Do It by Ice Cube
Maniac by Michael Sembello
Safety Dance by Men Without Hats
Love In An Elevator by Aerosmith
Another One Bites the Dust by Queen
TNT by ACDC
Jumpin' Jumpin' by Destiny's Child
Highway to Hell by ACDC
Sharp Dressed Man by ZZ Top
It's Tricky by Run DMC
Unbelievable by EMF
Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap by ACDC
Whip It by Devo
Tubthumping by Chumbawamba
Get This Party Started by Pink
Tootsie Roll by 69 Boyz
Baby Got Back by Sir Mix A Lot
Closer by NIN
Stayin' Alive by The Bee Gees

Last Sunday the ground was covered with snow. Today it's 80. Can someone please explain that one to me? Ugh.

I got up this morning to run my 9 miles. I decided to change my play list on my mp3 player while I ate a little breakfast. During the process, my computer crashed twice, and now my mp3 player isn't working.

Great.

I took it as a sign that I really wasn't up for the run and went back to bed for a bit. I'm going to give it another go this evening, but I'm pretty much dreading a 9 mile run without any music. But a 9 mile run on the treadmill doesn't sound any better.

I guess it's time for a new mp3 player or an ipod or something. I've been putting off the decision for quite some time, but I suppose I'm going to have to face it now. My mp3 player was one of the first ones that came out, and it is quite old and has absolutely no memory. It can hold about 30 songs max - and that's only if they are pretty short songs!

The teeth update: The pain has been reduced to a very dull ache, my checks are no longer swollen and I can actually close my mouth again. My jaw is still a little sore and the most I've tried to chew was the banana I ate with my oatmeal for breakfast, but that managed to go smoothly. So, I think the end to the misery is in sight.

Well, until next week that is.

Lucky me gets to go back on Thursday for some more work. Unfortunately, when I finally could close my mouth I discovered that one of my new top fillings is too big and it hits my bottom tooth and those two places are the only ones touching. The rest of my teeth all have a space between them and I can't make them touch. So, I'm going back to have it worked on again.

I'm oh so thrilled with this. But, I'm just going to consider it my new diet plan. There are only so many foods that you can drink or swallow without chewing. I haven't been on the scales, but I can tell I've lost a pound or two.

So Be It

I only made it 2 miles.

And that was 1.75 miles more than I wanted to go.

The bouncing was hurting the teeth and jaw.

Plus I was running without my beloved gum.

Splits:

The first I've actually timed since fall...

Mile 1 11:42
Mile 2 11:23

That's not too bad for me under normal circumstances, and while running I was feeling like a total slug and knew I was going a lot slower than I have been running. So, I'm actually pretty pleased considering.

There's no where to go but up.

Comfort Zone

Tuesday evening was yoga class and we started standing balance poses.

I was having a really hard time and could stay on one foot for about 2 seconds before I toppled over.

This wasn't exactly surprising or anything. I'd been expecting it. I knew it would be tough for me. I'm not exactly the queen of grace and balance.

But, I know with practice it'll get better. Until then it's just gonna have to suck for a while. And I'm going to have to try to not get frustrated with it.

The whole time I was standing there, one single thought kept going through my mind...

I wish I was running.

Because that I can do! I wanted to shout out during the middle of the class... "I know I suck at this. I know I keep falling over ever 2 seconds, while all of you just stand there all tall and graceful. But, guess what... I can do something. I can run! I'm kinda good at it, even. No, really, I am. I swear. I'm going to run 9 miles in a few days. You might be able to stand here and balance on one leg for like 20 minutes, but can you do that? Huh? Can you? Can you?"

I was feeling really out of my element and very far removed from my comfort zone. And I was feeling the need to be doing something that was easy for me.

But, at the same time I knew it was good for me.

I know that I will never grow as a person without challenging myself. And I also know that it takes time to get better at things. I've done yoga before and was eventually one of those seasoned people standing there watching the newbies topple over. And I will be there again if I stick with it. I just have to keep repeating that to myself over and over until it happens!

On the running front, I opted not to do my 4 mile run yesterday.

I feel like I am walking a fine line with my training this go round. Trying to get in enough miles without pushing myself to the point of injury again. I am conscious of every little ache and pain in my knees and ankles these days.

And it scares me!

I'm sure that I had these little twinges of pain in the past, and I never even noticed them. But now, since dealing with the injures I am constantly scanning my body for any sign of impending doom. I'm probably being over cautious, but I figure that if I reinjure something then no amount of training will matter. 'Cuz I won't be running any where.

So, I added another rest day into the schedule and did 4 very easy miles tonight. And I do mean easy. It actually felt pretty good to just run without being concerned about the pace.

Friday is my 9 miler. The weather should be perfect. They are predicting 62 and sunny.

I'm having 4 of my old silver fillings replaced tomorrow afternoon. I'm hoping that maybe some of the laughing gas will still be in effect on Friday morning and I'll just float through my run.

One can always dream...

Why Do You Do It?

I was up reading blogs and I read this post written by Miss Petite America, and it got me thinking.

A recap for those of you you haven't read the post or don't want to:

Her mom is telling her that it is ok if she doesn't finish her upcoming half mary on Sunday because it's supposed to rain and MPA is dealing with an injury. And MPA is upset that her mom doesn't "get it".

How many of us have experienced similar conversations?

I know I certainly have!

My boyfriend's parents have always been amazingly supportive of my running efforts. They gave very generously when I was fundraising for TNT. His dad is very quick to offer praise and tell me how proud he is of me.

But he is also very quick to tell me that it is ok if I can't finish a run or a race. He's always telling me that it's ok if I have to quit, and not to push too much, and not to hurt myself (too late), and that they are proud of me no matter what.

My mom knows me pretty well, and isn't overly vocal about her opinions of what I do unless I am seeking advise, but I get the feeling that she thinks I am borderline mental for coming back for more after the knee and ankle injuries I suffered through last year. If I had to guess, I'd say that she often wonders why I just don't quit and why I keep coming back to torture myself.

And honestly, some days I wonder the same thing.

Running has probably reduced me to tears of pain and frustration more than just about anything in my life. And I have a choice. I could hang up the shoes and walk away at any time. I don't have to answer to anyone, so what's stopping me?

Why don't I just quit?

Because I can't.

It's honestly that simple.

Running has given me something that nothing else ever has before.

Confidence in my physical abilities.

And for me that's an amazing thing.

I'm a smart individual. I was always at the top of my class in school. And it usually came easy to me. If it didn't, I could almost always study hard enough to understand what ever it was. If I have to use my brain to solve I problem, I'm probably going to do ok.

But, I've never felt all that confident in my ability to do something physical. Most kids loved gym class, but I dreaded it. I was out of my element. Outside of my natural abilities.

And I felt like a dork.

I certainly couldn't hit a baseball with a bat, but I sure could get hit in the face with one. I couldn't shoot a basket, but I could scrape a two inch section of my nose and my forehead with my fingernail while I was trying, and be humiliated for weeks while it healed. I couldn't kick a soccer ball, but I just might nail the shin of the kid next to the ball pretty good. If dodge ball is the name of the game, then runnergirl is the name of the one who's gonna be hit out first. Football? You have got to be kidding me!

But, running.

Oh sweet running.

Now that I can do. It's just one foot in front of the other.

Running is a mental sport.

All you have to to is Not. Give. Up.

The first time I ran 8 miles, I was so shocked that I was able to do it.

The first time I ran 9 miles, I was so proud of myself I didn't know what to do.

The first time I ran 10 miles, I was on top of the world!

The first time I ran 13.1 miles, I was so excited I wanted to shout it from the roof tops.

And when I finally finished my first half marathon, the amount of pride and self confidence I felt was over whelming. It amazes me how much I draw on the strength I felt at completing that race at other times in my life. If I think I can't do something, I look back at that race and tell myself that if I could do that, then I can do whatever the new challenge is.

If you put my half marathon medal and my doctor of optometry diploma side by side and asked me which I was more proud of, I'd say the medal hands down.

I had to work harder for it.

And earning it changed something in me, and I will never be the same. I have a confidence and an unbreakable will that never existed before. If I don't do something these days, it is because I have decided that I don't want to, not because I am afraid that I can't.

And that is the most liberating thing in the world for me.

The freedom from the fear of failure.

So, why do you do it?