Final Preparations

I've been thinking a lot about what I want to get from running if I decided to jump back in. I suppose you could say I've been searching for my 'why' for a comeback.

After a lot of soul searching, I realized that a(nother) return to running is an attempt to return to myself. An attempt to remind myself of the person I used to be before life took a big ole shit in my cheerios. I feel pretty lost these days. I'm not really sure who I am any more, or who I want to be, but I'm positive that it's not the person life has turned me into over the past decade. I guess running feels like the best way to claw my way up out of the bottom of the pit I am currently sitting in.

I moved to Arizona more than 12 years ago, and in all that time I've never felt 100% settled in here. A large part of me still resides back in Indiana with my friends that are still there. I have never found a place where I truly fit in or feel at home here. If I could take the warm weather with me, I would have moved back to Indiana long ago. Unfortuately, I know all too well just how miserable I was living in the cold Midwest winters and never want to go back to them! I can't imagine any place else I'd want to move to right now, and I'd never leave the place where my parents spend half their time, so Arizona is home for the forseeable future. I need to find my way back to a version of myself that I am happy being here. I need to cultivate a life that I am happy living here. And as of right now, I'm barely going through the motions.

Running is a whole entire vibe. And it's a lot of work. If I'm making a comeback it needs to be for real this time. It needs to be thoroughly thought out and I need to be clear on my reasons. Because if I'm doing it. Really doing it. Then I've gotta be all in, with both feet, because another half assed attempt that I end up giving up on just might do me in.

I've spent two entire therapy sessions talking about a return to running, which quite frankly seems a bit silly given all I've been through in the past 2 years, but this is really a big effing deal to me. During one of the sessions my therapist said something to me that I really think is at the crux of the entire thing. She said, "I think you need to do it. You need to prove to yourself that [your ex] didn't take anything away from you that you can't get back." I don't want to get into the divorce drama, but I think she's right. The not so awesome marriage and even worse divorce are at the heart of why I now feel like a lost shell of my former self, and I really do think a return to running is the only way I'm going to find what I lost.

So, come hell or high water. I'm back.

I don't know what that looks like, yet, though. It might mean running 2 miles twice a week at a 16 minute/mile pace. It might mean training for a marathon. It's going to be dictated by whatever my body will allow me to do. But I do know that as long as it feels like a challenge to me, it will serve the purpose of bringing me back to myself.

So, in that regard. I've done some final preparations:

First and foremost, I feel better from the horrific cold I was fighting. I still have a very minor cough but I think I finally feel well enought to actully start running. So, I'm starting to think about how I want to frame my comeback. I'm trying to decide if I should commit to doing a couch to 5K program, if I should sign up for a local 5K, or maybe sign up for a virtual run. I haven't decided but I'm considering the options. In the mean time, I commited to walking the Making Strides Breast Cancer Walk on Sunday in honor of my friend, Kim, who passed away last summer, to at least get me out moving and remind me what it's like to be out among a race-like crowd.

I ordered myself a new Road ID for my shoes (actually, I ordered 2 so I could keep one on my hiking boots, too). Because my ex was the main contact on my old one, and let's get real - there's no way he'd help me in an emergency!

I joined my local chapter of She Runs This Town and found the facebook group, as well. It looks like they are fairly active, so I am going to challenge myself to join in on some activities in the coming months.

And, our temps have finally broken!! Sunday was the last day in the 100s, and Monday was the last day in the 90s for the forseeable future. WooHoo!

And on that note, I think I'm going to go lace up my running shoes and hop on the treadmill for my first official run!