Get to the Point Already!

So, the burning question is WTF am I really doing here? Right?

It's been 16 years.

16. Freaking. YEARS.

Sixteen years since I said Goodbye. Goodbye to training. Goodbye to running. Goodbye to this blog. Goodbye to all my online running friends.

And Goodbye to my dream of one day running a marathon.

Only, I never said Goodbye to the dream. Not really. I thought I did. I pretended I did. But I didn't.

It's been hanging out in the back of my brain, just under the surface, waiting for just the right time to poke it's head out and look around.

Apparently it decided that right time was a week ago.

Last weekend, I was watching the Amazon Prime Movie, Brittany Runs a Marathon for something like the 20th time. Only this time was different. This time the movie hit me in a way that it never had before.

***** SPOILER ALERT *****


It gets to the part where Brittany finds out she has a stress fracture and won't be able to run the New York City Marathon. And I start crying. It reminded me so much of finding out I had an ankle injury and wouldn't be able to run the Chicago Marathon. Then it gets to the part a year later where she is gearing up to run the marathon, and I start absolutely bawling. Bawling because I know that deep down, I still want to run my own marathon.

No. I NEED to run my own marathon.

For the rest of the week, I could not get it out of mind. It was all I was thinking about every time my mind wasn't occupied.

So, I went to my therapy appointment at the end of the week, and sat in my therapist office once again bawling about it. Bawling because I wasn't able to run the marathon back in 2006. Bawling because I gave up in 2013. Bawling because I'm now 16 years older and I really don't think my body would be able to handle training. Bawling because I'm going to always regret it if I never try. Bawling because I don't know if I can handle going through the grief if I try and can't do it again. Bawling because if I do try and don't succeed, I know it will be the absolute end of the dream. Bawling because I'll have to give up on it once and for all. Bawling because I don't know if I can handle losing that hope of 'one day' being able to achieve my dream.

It was probalby the most emotionally draining therapy appoinment I've ever been through. And I've been through some pretty tough stuff the past few years! But, realizing that I wasn't going to be able to run the Chicago Marathon absolutely gutted me. And the grief I went through when I gave up training all together was tremendous. I had tied so much of who I was to running and I felt completely lost without it. Quite frankly, I still do, which is why I keep coming back here every handful of years. I'm still looking for that corner card that holds up the rest.

So, I guess all of this begs the questions: Why now? What's different this time?

I think the answer is twofold:

First, while I still feel a bit lost, I'm not profoundly unhappy like I was during the previous comeback attempts. This time I'm not looking for running to fix problems it was never going to fix. Namely a failing marriage and a very stressful, unbalanced, unfulfilling life. If, and that is a very big if, I comeback again it really is about the running. At least about what running gave me. About who I was when I was running. About who I want to be again. If I comeback again, it's about finding myself. It's about melding the good parts of who I used to be, but lost sight of, into the good parts of the person I am now, while trying to let go of the parts of myself that I desprately needed to get through the past 10+ years, but are no longer serving me. It's about finding the grit, drive, and determination that I used to have and reclaiming the confidence that those qualities gave me.

Second, I have spent the last year working very hard to cultivate a calm, quiet life for myself. My life is simple and peaceful. My stresses are few and far between. Unlike with the previous comeback attempts, I now have the time to put toward training and there aren't any external factors to derail me. I could fully focus on training if I choose to do so.

I just haven't decided if I want to make that choice yet. Or just what that may look like if I do.

(Also - As a side note, but a very important side note none the less, I purchased a treadmill during COVID, which would make a HUGE impact on my ability to train. It's almost impossible to train year round here without access to one since the temps top 100 degrees 5 months of the year.)