Letting Go is Hard

I'm sitting outside on the porch in my backyard as I type this, and it is bliss, I tell you.

PURE BLISS!

I live in a neighborhood but on a corner lot so my yard is larger than most. The neighbor behind me has a row of trees along the back of his property that affords him, and luckily me, quite a bit of privacy. I have a few mature trees (and some new ones that I wish would hurry up and grow faster!) that give me a lot of shade - which is HUGE in sunny Arizona!

My backyard really is an oasis. It feels more like being in a small park than in a residential yard.  One of the main reasons I purchased this house was for the incredible backyard space. I even caved in on some of my must have for the inside of the house for this yard. I knew it would be great for my dogs, and I envisioned enjoying it with friends on the regular, too.

Yet, I never freaking use it!

The ONLY reason I am out here right now, even though it is a perfect sunny 73° F, is because my living room couch is in for repairs. As I was trying to pick between the alternatives of places to use my laptop it dawned on me that I could come out here.

DUH!

I am supposed to have the couch back in 3 weeks, maybe during that time sitting out here will be come a new habit.

21 Days, and all that....

That would be awesome... because I'm at a point in my life where I need and want to make some changes with how I am living. Maybe more on that later, but for now back to my original intent for this post when I sat down to start writing it:

I think I'm having a bit of a blogger identity crisis. As I resurrect my running blog, I'm attempting to figure out the right fit for who I am now compared to who I was 14 years ago when I started this blog.

Back then, I was 'runnergirl' and that felt like the prefect fit. I was in my early 30's and I had lived a charmed life. I'd accomplished some things that I had worked hard for but life hadn't really dealt me any shitty hands yet. I was recently divorced, but even that was smooth and easy by divorce standards. Even though I was in my 30's, I felt young and carefree. I still felt like a girl.

I so don't feel like a girl any more.

Now, I'm in my mid 40's and my life hasn't been quite so charmed. While nothing horrific or tragic has happened (thankfully!) the past several years have not been easy and they have taken a toll. Instead of feeling significantly younger than my age, I now feel quite a bit older than I am. Life just feels like it takes more effort than it used to. I feel tired and beaten down and a bit lost.

And I freaking hate it.

Since I no longer feel like a girl, I feel like it is time to let 'runnergirl' go. Quite frankly, it is long past time and I should have done it back in 2013 when I made my first return to running. Only back then, I just couldn't do it. The main fuel behind the return was an attempt to reclaim my old life, so how could I possibly toss aside the very identity I was trying so desperately to get back?

In the words of Rachel Hollis (and maybe others), "The cost of your new life is your old one."  And as much as it pains me to do it, it really is time to let go of the old me and welcome in the new one.  Otherwise, I'm going to spend the next 40 years stuck in the past, waxing poetic over all that was but no longer is instead of getting out there and creating a new amazing life for myself.

I've been giving this a lot of thought over the past few days, trying to make sure that I wouldn't regret the change, and trying to figure out what new blogger name I wanted to use.  I think I've finally settled on something.  But first, I a little bit of background...

For the majority of my life I have wished my first name was Kate.  I'm not sure I could really explain it, but I just really like the simplicity of it and the fact that it is a single syllable.  My actual first name is a fine name and I don't dislike it.  It is just ridiculously common and it doesn't have a nickname associated with it that I like.  Ditto for my middle name.  So with no nicknames that I actually want to be called by, it just feels like everyone is overly formal when addressing me instead of having a more intimate nickname.  I do have a lot of old friends that call me 'Doc' because of my profession, and I don't mind that.  However, it's not something I would ever choose for myself as it feels more like a representation of something I do which is such a small part of who I actually am.

So, with all that being said I (think) I have finally settled on a nickname based off my last name as my new blogger name.  I'm going to try it on for size and see if it feels right as I head forward into this new but old journey of running and blogging about it.

I am, however, going to keep my blog url the same.  Because while I want to move forward and embrace some changes, I'm not trying to kick my old life, or anyone in it, to the curb.  I want people to be able to find me if they want to once again join me for this journey.

So, here's to updating my blog and creating a new blogger identity.  But first, I have to record a photo of my blog in its current state for posterity...

Because while I'm willing to walk forward into creating a new life for myself, I'm not willing to completely forget about the old one.