Feeling ALL the Feels

I just spent the last few days reading all of my old posts, and a majority of the comments, and man oh man did it stir up a lot of memories.  And if I'm being really honest - a lot of emotions, too.

It also brought to light that I still use many of the exact. same. phrases. when I write.

I did read through my entire blog back in 2013 when I considered another go at running, but I don't remember it hitting me quite the same way that it has this time.

Maybe it's because I'm in a totally different place now than I was in both 2013 and 2015 when I considered a return to running. Maybe it's because I feel like I am finally coming out of the fog that I have been living in for the past 8 years.  Maybe it's because I am in shock over just how little my current life resembles my old one - and not necessarily in good ways.  Maybe it's because I feel like I really am back - and that's both thrilling and terrifying at the same time.

Right now I am filled with heart wrenching nostalgia for EVERYTHING.  The good.  The bad.  The ugly.  I want it all back - every single wonderful, miserable moment of 2006 & 2007.

I was on top of the world - only I didn't freaking know it.  I was blissfully ignorant to the compete shit storm my life would turn into just 4 short years later.

A shit storm that I didn't see coming and that is just now starting to subside.

I am staring to feel whole again.  I actually feel like myself again.  And while I don't quite feel on top of the world, I no longer feel at the complete bottom of it either.  My life may not be what I want it to be, but I'm finally at the point where I am physically, mentally, and emotionally capable of trying to improve it.

In both 2013 and 2015, I was so beaten down and broken that I was looking at running as a way to pull myself out of the abyss - because I had no idea what else to do.  I think I was longing for my old life so much that I thought if I started running again, it would bring back a piece of it.

Except, I forgot just how hard running can be.

Now that I am in a better place, the running is just naturally falling back into place, and I'm excited to create a space for it and welcome it back into my life - no matter how brief or how long its visit might be.