To Commit or Not To Commit

That is the question.

Do you ever feel like the universe is plotting against you? Like everyone sat down when you weren't looking and all agreed to start nagging you at the same time?

So, last weekend my boyfriend and I have this conversation...

BF: "Have you started running again yet?"
Me: "No."
BF: "You've missed a few weeks with being sick. Can you make all that up?"
Me: "No."
BF: "So, what are you going to do?"
Me: "I don't know. I haven't decided. I don't want to talk about it."

Then, on Wednesday I was chatting online with a friend, and we have this one...

JL: "How's the running going?"
Me: "It sucks. I got sick and it slowed me down. I feel tired and worn out. Both knees are bothering me and I feel like quitting."
JL: "That blows."
Me: "Tell me about it."

Then on Thursday, my mom and I have this one...

Mom: "So, have you been able to run since you've been sick?"
Me: "No."
Mom: "Can you make it all up?"
Me: "No."
Mom: "What are you going to do?"
Me: "I don't know."
Mom: "Well, are you still running your race?"
Me: "I haven't decided."

Every time I look at my blog or log into my myspace account there are those pesky counters nagging me that I only have 45..44..43..42..41...days until Bayshore.

Alright already, I hear you loud and clear!! I got it already. I'm getting my butt back in gear.

I'm running, I'm running. I did last week's long run. I didn't miss my weekend run. I have tomorrow's run planned out (probably my first outside run since fall 'cuz - ya know - I'm a cold weather wimp and all).

But, does the universe cut me any slack? Does it recognize that I got the drift and I'm back on track and get off my back?

Of course not!

What does it do instead?

It taunts me.

It tosses a morsel in front of me, one that it knows I might not be able to turn down.

In my inbox this morning when I got up was an email telling me that registration was open to this.

Not that I am expecting it to be an exciting race, by racing standards. And Mouse told me that it was very unorganized, didn't have enough water stops and pretty much sucked when she ran it.

But it is in my home town, people. My teeny-tiny, podunk, don't blink or you'll miss it, home town! The place where I spent my entire, very loved, and very much missed, childhood. How cool is that?

And don't you remember how excited I was last year when I found out about it? And how disappointed I was when I couldn't run it because of my ankle?

I am dying to go wander the streets of my childhood, reminiscing of the good ol' days, in between gasping for breath, choking at the water stops, and cussing myself out for signing up for a race so early in the fall season when the temperature is bound to still be sweltering.

There are only 3 races that I really want to run: Bayshore - which I am doing on May 26th, the run around Mackinac Island - which is only 8 miles and I am planning on doing this year, and this one.

So, what's the problem, right?

This is the problem. Remember that post from 4 days ago. The one where I said I was tired of pushing, and that maybe I wanted a break from training.

Well, I can't run a 30K without some major training!!! The longest distance I've ever ran is 13.1 miles. And I've done it twice. Once in Indy, and once 3 weeks before - to prove to myself I could do it so I didn't have a major freak out on race morning.

I want to do the race, but I don't want to commit to the training. Lazy, Lazy, I am, but I just don't know if I'm up for it! But I'm going to hate myself come Labor day if I don't do this.

So, what's a runnergirl to do?

Luckily, this race isn't going to fill up, so I don't have to commit early and send in my registration. But I obviously will need to commit early enough to start training in time if I decide to do it.

The Aftermath

I admit it.

I'm sore.

And a few of my muscles are letting me know that they aren't too happy with me right now.

The 8 miles took their toll, but the really really wonderful news is that my knees have been great all day. I haven't even heard anything out of my right one, and that nagging ache is pretty much a constant these days. It didn't even stop during my forced 6 month hiatus. So, I'm ecstatic about that.

But...

Do you remember that pesky little ankle thing?

Yeah. That one.

The one that kept me from running the Chicago Marathon last October.

Remember?

Well, it apparently did not get the message on Friday about the dictatorship status, because I have been hearing some whisperings of a protest from it for the past hour.

If that damn thing keeps me from another race, I'm going to sit down and bawl my head off.

Then I just might cut my ankle off.

Mind Games

Yesterday evening's goal was to con myself into running 8 miles.

And I do mean con!

Two and a half hours before my designated "get on the treadmill" time (because I wasn't willing to actually call it my running time - I was just telling myself all I had to do was step on the treadmill and I was hoping the rest would take care of itself) found me happily sitting at my computer eating a brownie and drinking a glass of milk. (Left over from entertaining the previous evening)

Forty-five minutes to my designated treadmill time found me sitting at my computer shoveling in 2/3 of a pint of Ben and Jerry's. (Bought in a moment of weakness at Walmart the day before. But it was a new flavor and I just had to try it. I mean it's Ben & Jerry's! No one in their right mind would turn down a new flavor, RIGHT? It was the cinnamon bun one and it rocks, by the way!)

I so wish I was kidding, or even exaggerating slightly. But I'm not.

Is anyone out there starting to realize why I haven't managed to lose those 5 lbs yet?

Ten minutes to my treadmill time found me sitting on my closet floor, staring at my old running shoes sitting right there in front of me, and trying to convince myself to go get my new shoes out of my car.

Pretty sad, don't cha think? Hypothetically I'm about to run 8 miles and I'm too lazy to go get my shoes from the garage! So, I put on the old shoes, telling myself that I can always change them later if I need to.

I got on the treadmill, making the deal with myself that all I had to do was start and I could quit any time I wanted....

But I knew I never would.

I am a person that spends waaayyy too much time evaluating myself and my life. But the good side of that is that I know myself pretty well. And I knew that if I quit on the 8 miles, I was also quitting on the race. And I'm not ready to do that yet.

Because I'm not a quitter!

So, I knew the only choice was to compete the 8 miles or die trying. I just had to do it. Nothing else would be acceptable.

I spent the first 4 miles having a little chat with all of the protesters. I explicitly explained to my feet, ankles, calves, shins, knees, thighs, hips, shoulders, and lungs. That this endeavor in no way resembles a democracy. It is a dictatorship, through and through. And, therefore, they do NOT get a vote regarding the miles that would be ran for the next 6 weeks. They would do as they were instructed without complaint or there would be hell to pay.

And for the most part they actually listened. I did not hear a peep out of either knee, for the first time in months. Which leads me to wonder if it is the current shoes inducing the new left knee issues. Guess I'll just have to try a few runs in the old shoes and a few in the new ones, and see if I can figure it out.

I spent the last 4 miles trying to convince myself that I wasn't dying.

And Now...

Back to your regularly scheduled program...

Updates:

Health: I feel better, but not back to 100%. I would say that I'm over my cold and no longer feel sick, but I feel so tired and run down still. There have been several nights over the past week and a half that I have slept for 12, 13, even 14 hours! And I'm dragging myself out of bed half awake, stumbling through my day, and going home just to fall back into bed at 7:00 and sleep until morning. It feels like my spring allergies are kicking into full force, and I think that leaves me feeling kinda sleepy and spaced out, too. It's making it much harder to get back into the running groove, that's for sure!

Yoga: I went to my first yoga class 3 weeks ago and loved it. The second class fell right after I got sick and I was running a temperature of 99.8, and figured it was probably a smart idea to stay home and rest. The next week happened to be spring break for the local area schools, and we didn't have class.

So, this past Tuesday was my first day back since the first class. I again really enjoyed it, but it is turning out to be much more of a work out than I was expecting. This instructor certainly pushes us to our limits! In this week's class we did a lot of back and arm stuff, and my lower back and shoulders are still sore this morning!

We haven't been doing any poses that require balancing, which is good and bad. It has been a nice transition back into yoga for me, with things being simple. But, after a few weeks back into it I'm starting to want the challenge of some of those harder poses. We might get into them as the weeks progress, but I'm not sure. I'm already thinking about signing up for the next session of class in the summer, and maybe I'll consider moving up a class level next time.

The Aforementioned Non-Running Goals: I am doing great with my ab work! We have an incredible local library system with a wonderful online searchable catalog. So, I can just get on my computer search for ab DVDs, put in a request to reserve them, get an email when they are waiting, and go pick them up. So, I've been doing my old stand by videos, and mixing it up with some new ones for variety. I've probably averaged an ab workout about every other morning for the past 4 1/2 weeks. I've even managed to get myself on a decent schedule to go to sleep earlier and get up early enough to do them before work! Which is probably the reason I've managed to actually stick with it! I'm not noticing any visual results from my efforts - not that I'd expect to yet! But I can feel that my waist line is tightening up a little when I'm standing with my arms crossed.

I haven't been doing so great with my weight loss goal, though. But I'm not giving up! I keep having small social occasions pop up that I have been using as excuses to over eat. Plus I've been on a cooking kick lately and have been making a lot of my favorite dishes. And it's not that the meals are all that fattening, I'm just kinda lazy and don't cook for just myself all that often. So, the home cooked food is tasting so good to me that I'm inhaling way too much of it.

But, I've been having a little chat with myself and we have agreed that we are going to get it back under control starting on Monday! It's always been better to start at the beginning of the week for me with things like that. The weekend just feels like a bad time to begin something new.

Running: I'm struggling, big time. I'm getting tired of pushing. Every run feels like I'm pushing to make myself finish it, even if it's only 2 miles. It just feels hard. My left knee is joining my right one it it's nagging pain that lingers even when I haven't been running in weeks. It has me a little concerned. I'm tired of running on the treadmill, but not willing to head out into 30 degree weather, complete with wind strong enough to knock you over, and every possible type of precipitation. In the past week we have seen rain, sleet, hail, and snow. Today is the first sunny day in almost 2 weeks! I keep waiting to fall back into some kind of groove with my running, and it's not happening. And every day that goes by just makes me dread those runs more and more. I just don't want to push any more, and I'm tired of hurting. I've been thinking that maybe I want to give up the training for a while, but not the running per se. I want to have the freedom to stop running after a mile if that's what I feel like doing. Not forcing myself to crank out another five because that's what the schedule says. But there is that pesky little problem of the half marathon that I am supposed to be training for on May 26th. What exactly do I do about that? I can't decided. I either need to kick it into high gear or give it up. I'm going to the race no matter what - I've already booked the hotel, and planned a vacation around the race location. Maybe I'll just be a spectator and cheer everyone else on. Maybe I'll just walk the damn thing. Maybe I'll get mad at myself enough over my lack of ambition that I will be able to kick it up for the next 6 weeks. I just don't know!

Blogging: I'm going to keep the blog. I enjoy it too much to give it up, and I'll just have to hope that my readers will forgive my erratic posts. And I think I'm going to take the advise of Miss Petite America and Jess, and use a second one to ramble about whatever I want. I already set it up. :)

And I almost forgot...

The Bangs: I still haven't made a decision. One day I love them and the next I hate them. I've decided that I'm going to keep them for now. I need to see myself in some pictures before I decide for sure if I want to keep them or not. For the past 2 weeks they have been too long and driving me nuts - and that's a short trip! But my appointment isn't for another 2 weeks. I don't want to have to start getting a haircut every 4 weeks, but I don't think I trust myself to trim them myself. The ironic thing is that since I've gotten them cut, I've had about 10 people tell me how much they like my new hair color. But the color isn't that new! I changed it a week or two before Christmas. I think people are just paying attention now because of the change in the cut.

Crossroads

When I was in college I started keeping a journal.

It all started because of a guy.

A guy.... that I thought was unbelievable.... that I thought I wanted to always be with.... that broke my heart.... that I thought I'd never get over.... that I compared every other guy to for years. But also a guy that I was too scared to give a second chance to when he finally asked for it because I was afraid I'd get hurt again.

In an attempt to rid my mind of the swirling memories of my "one that got away", I started writing.

I poured out my heart and soul into my journal. I sat and let the thoughts flow from my head to my hand. Whatever crossed my mind ended up on the paper. It was therapeutic. It was eye opening.

Most of the time I just opened up to a blank page, grabbed a pen in a funky color, and started writing anything and everything that came to me. I rarely knew what the topic was going to be until I got going. Sometimes the things I wrote really surprised me. I learned a lot about myself.

And I liked doing it.

For years I kept the writing up and I had filled notebooks full of my innermost thoughts and desires. Filled up pages with my secret wants and fears.

I felt like I literally grew up on those pages. I went through the struggle of changing from the child I was to the adult I am in those notebooks.

Then one day, I just stopped writing.

Not for any reason. Life just got in the way.

I was working full time. Keeping up with my husband, my parents, my friends, my house, my car, my pets. And I just stopped writing.

Finally, I opened up the most recent notebook and noticed that it had been over two years since I had written a word. I started thinking about how enjoyable my journals used to be for me, and decided that I wanted to start writing again. So, I bought myself a pretty new notebook, came home and wrote a few pages, set it aside, and never wrote in it again.

All of a sudden it felt like a chore.

Like something I had to do.

And it was no longer enjoyable.

So, one evening I sat down with all of those old notebooks spread around me from the past 10 years of my life.

I read every word.

Then shredded every page.

That may sound like a strange thing to do. I mean, why not just put them in a box and tuck them away or something.

But, I knew they were there... with those empty pages calling out to me to start writing again.

And I was tired of feeling the pressure.

Shredding them was my road to freedom. And free I was.

And it felt good.

Insert a few years, and here I am.

Sitting here journaling again.

And I am facing that with very mixed emotions right now.

My blog is starting to feel like an obligation. I feel like I owe it to all of my faithful readers to keep them updated on my running status. And I want to keep them updated. But once again, life seems like it is creeping in and getting in the way.

I feel guilty when I haven't had the time to post for a few weeks.

And that guilt is sucking the joy out of it for me.

Also, I started my blog as a means to keep my friends and family updated on my training and fundraising progress with TNT. And many of them still read my blog. I have several family members that still read it, an ex-boyfriend who reads it, friends that read it, my current boyfriend reads it, and I'm sure a few others that I'm not even aware of because literally every single person I know was sent an email with this url included in it.

And I LOVE that they care, and I LOVE that they want to keep up with my training, and I LOVE that they support me, and I LOVE that by reading they are better able to stay in touch and know what is going on with me.

But at the same time, I don't exactly have the anonymity to pour out my every thought, now do I? And sometimes I miss being able to write without the filter in place of knowing that I need to be careful about what I write. I try to keep it PG - 13ish in case there are younger readers. I try not to mention other individuals very much as to not cause them attention that they may not want. And as much as they might love me, there are probably some things that my friends and family just really don't want to know about me.

I also have tried pretty hard to keep my blog related to running, and avoid boring everyone with my random life stuff. But sometimes, I'd like to write about the rest of my life. To be able to rant about a bad day or talk about my dreams or fears. Whatever.

So, I am finding myself at a crossroads. What do I do?

Do I keep blogging just like I have been and limit what I say to mostly running stuff? Do I delete my blog and just say screw it, I quit? Do I start another anonymous blog where I can blog about my non-running life? Every 5 minutes I come to a different conclusion!

I'm also feeling like I am at a crossroads with my running. Mentally I'm really struggling right now and I'm not sure what I'm gong to do. Part of me wants to quit. Just toss in the towel and walk away. Because there are so many things I'm tired of. But another part of me thinks it might just be the weather, and the fact that it is April and it has snowed for the past 10 days in a row, and I'm sick of the treadmill. But I don't think I'm quite ready to deal with it or make a decision. Or even to fully explore all the issues that are there. Which is probably why I ended up writing about blogging instead, which wasn't really my intent when I sat down.

I'm really quite good at avoiding things that I don't want to deal with! But I will. Soon! Just as soon as I can come up with something resembling a decision about what I want to do.

Why?

Why oh why does this always happen to me?

It seems that every time I finally get going with my training I get sick and it stops me in my tracks.

I started coming down with a cold on Monday, complete with sore throat, running nose, fever, and aches, and it's gotten progressively worse ever since.

*sigh*

Progress Report

Yoga class on Tuesday was great!!

It really was a true beginner class - probably the most basic I have ever taken. Sometimes you just never know! It may say beginner, but often times there are individuals that have taken the class a few time before, so the class is taught at a semi-beginner level to try to teach the newbies without boring the old timers that aren't quite confident enough to move up a class level.

The instructor spent a lot of time talking and explaining things for the first part of the class, which was good for a number of reasons. I actually picked up quite a few pieces of new information and insight that I had never learned before.

Starting with the basics is a great refresher for me and it is all coming back easier than I thought it would. I may not remember the names of any of the poses, but my body seems to remember how to breathe and how to flow from pose to pose. I'm really glad that I signed up for the class, and I'm hoping that it will continue to go just as well as the first evening did.

My boyfriend asked me a few days ago how my training was going for this race. Since he had asked, I actually stopped and thought about it which I really hadn't done. I was mostly just trying to get my head back in the game, and taking it as it was coming with out evaluating it. What I decided was that this time it hurts more.

I feel sore-er (is that even a word?) than I ever have along with more little aches, pains, and twinges than before. It's not a feeling of major pain or anything that I think is serious and it is never in the same spot. Just some rumblings from my body letting me know that it's not completely happy with me.

I don't know if I am pushing too hard, but I don't feel like I am. Or if my body is just having a harder time getting back into the groove. Or if I am just paying closer attention, looking for any sign that my knee or my ankle are going to start to give me problems so I am now noticing things that I wasn't before. But I'm encountering a new experience with it all, instead of thinking to myself that I want to stop because I'm tired, I'm thinking that I want to stop because my knee, ankle, hip, feet, back, etc, etc, are uncomfortable.

Well, my morning was supposed to consist of a 6 mile run outside, before I leave to go out of town until Sunday. Unfortunately, I have the feeling that no running will be done by this runnergirl while I am away. I will be spending the time catching up with one of my best friends while we scrapbook to our heart's content. Which usually means sitting in one spot without moving anything but our hands and mouths for days on end, combined with too much, bad for us food, and no sleep.

Instead of my 6 mile run outside, I'm hoping to get it done on the treadmill before my power goes out! I woke up to a dark looking sky. Which quickly started casting down rain and lightening and making my house rumble with the thunder. My lights have flickered twice in the course of my typing, so I do believe it would be wise for me to end my post earlier than planned before I lose power and my computer crashes.

So, until next week...... Happy Running!