Monday, June 5, 2006

Blogging Block

I am finding myself in a strange place. I feel like I have been at a loss for what to blog about recently, and I don't know why. It is just so unlike me. Normally, you can't shut me up. I am the queen of babble. But the last few weeks, I feel at a loss for words.

You'd think it would have something to do with the running. That maybe I was stuck in a running rut, but I'm not.

I am, however, trying to internalize the changes in my life that have come about from running. Maybe that's it.

I'm trying to figure out exactly what I want out of this whole running experience. I'm trying to decide what I'm willing to give up.

And what I'm not.

I'm trying to figure out what changes need to be made to make running a permanent part of my life. I'm trying to find its place among a life that felt too busy before I started spending hours each week pounding the pavement.

I'm trying to figure out what I need to hold on to and what I can let go of.

I'm also trying to wrap my mind around the fact that I am no longer the same person that I was on January 10, 2006, when I walked into that TNT meeting with absolutely no idea what I was getting myself into.

I am forever changed.

Maybe not in ways that are visible externally, but internally I am a different person. I'm trying to come to terms with the "new me". I'm trying to reconcile the old me, with the new one. I'm trying to readjust my opinion of who I am.

I'm trying to make this my new reality.

I am so unbelievably happy with myself, my life, with who I am, with where I am going. But it has taken so much work to get to this place. And so much more work is still ahead to finish this journey. I have never worked so hard for something, nor been so affected by the result of my efforts.

When I was training for Indy, I honestly experienced more dread and fear than anything else.

I dreaded the pain and feared the unknown.

I resented that I was sacrificing so much to my running, but was in love with the sense of accomplishment and new found confidence I was experiencing. I hated some of what I was giving up, but loved what I was becoming.

But, as I am setting out on the next leg of my training I feel differently. I have this overwhelming sense of acceptance regarding the training that is ahead of me. I feel like I am losing my love/hate relationship with running. It is becoming who I am instead of something that I do.

I've come to terms with what it is going to take to get me across the finish line. And I know I'm willing to do the work.

Most of all, I'm no longer scared.

I know I can do it. It's just one foot in front of the other, over and over, mile after mile, week after week, until you cross that finish line. I no longer have doubts. And that is a good feeling. I am confident in the fact that if I do the training, I'll finish the race.

Well, I put some words on the page, so it's a start.

7 comments:

  1. Running, in some ways, is a selfish endeavor, especially if you have people who depend on you. A woman I work with, who's also a single mom, cried buckets after she finished her first triathlon, not because it was over but because it was, in her words, "the most selfish thing I'd ever done." Then there's the whole "social drag" phenomenon where our family and friends haven't quite figured out we're not the same people before we started training for a marathon....

    Sounds like you've had an epiphany. Before you know it, running will be as routine as brushing your teeth.

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  2. Actually, I'm not a single mom. My previous comment may have suggested that. My co-worker, in addition to being a triathlete is a single mom...cripes, what a way to introduce myself on your blog." :-)

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  3. I will have to agree with anne. Running is a selfish thing. I am only just a beginning runner, but as my blog title states: Running For Me, I do it for me. I do it for personal rewards; to grow as a person, mentally, physically, and emotionally. Way to go! Be proud of yourself as a runner.

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  4. Well, I think you have made a great start. I ran my first marathon in 2001 with TNT and I said it would be a one time affair. I've been running off/on depending what was going on in my life but I think I'm finally becoming a real runner. It sounds like you are miles ahead of me in figuring it out but that is what life is about changing and adjusting as we grow. Good luck with your training.

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  5. It's funny you mentioned how happy you feel. Last Sunday, I realized I'm feeling the happiest I've been in ages. It's a strange, foreign and wonderful feeling. I'm realizing that you HAVE to put yourself first in order to establish your own happiness. Only then can you really be up to share that joy with others.

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  6. Wow, great post! I can so relate to lots of your post! Enjoy the transition!

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  7. your post is RIGHT on. it's a strange and exciting feeling recognizing the changes that happen within you. running has helped me clarify so much more about my life, not just the running aspect.

    and everyone needs a purely selfish endeavor. enjoy it, relish it! i wish you lots and lots of luck!

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