Blogging Block

I am finding myself in a strange place. I feel like I have been at a loss for what to blog about recently, and I don't know why. It is just so unlike me. Normally, you can't shut me up. I am the queen of babble. But the last few weeks, I feel at a loss for words.

You'd think it would have something to do with the running. That maybe I was stuck in a running rut, but I'm not.

I am, however, trying to internalize the changes in my life that have come about from running. Maybe that's it.

I'm trying to figure out exactly what I want out of this whole running experience. I'm trying to decide what I'm willing to give up.

And what I'm not.

I'm trying to figure out what changes need to be made to make running a permanent part of my life. I'm trying to find its place among a life that felt too busy before I started spending hours each week pounding the pavement.

I'm trying to figure out what I need to hold on to and what I can let go of.

I'm also trying to wrap my mind around the fact that I am no longer the same person that I was on January 10, 2006, when I walked into that TNT meeting with absolutely no idea what I was getting myself into.

I am forever changed.

Maybe not in ways that are visible externally, but internally I am a different person. I'm trying to come to terms with the "new me". I'm trying to reconcile the old me, with the new one. I'm trying to readjust my opinion of who I am.

I'm trying to make this my new reality.

I am so unbelievably happy with myself, my life, with who I am, with where I am going. But it has taken so much work to get to this place. And so much more work is still ahead to finish this journey. I have never worked so hard for something, nor been so affected by the result of my efforts.

When I was training for Indy, I honestly experienced more dread and fear than anything else.

I dreaded the pain and feared the unknown.

I resented that I was sacrificing so much to my running, but was in love with the sense of accomplishment and new found confidence I was experiencing. I hated some of what I was giving up, but loved what I was becoming.

But, as I am setting out on the next leg of my training I feel differently. I have this overwhelming sense of acceptance regarding the training that is ahead of me. I feel like I am losing my love/hate relationship with running. It is becoming who I am instead of something that I do.

I've come to terms with what it is going to take to get me across the finish line. And I know I'm willing to do the work.

Most of all, I'm no longer scared.

I know I can do it. It's just one foot in front of the other, over and over, mile after mile, week after week, until you cross that finish line. I no longer have doubts. And that is a good feeling. I am confident in the fact that if I do the training, I'll finish the race.

Well, I put some words on the page, so it's a start.