Get to the Point Already!

So, the burning question is WTF am I really doing here? Right?

It's been 16 years.

16. Freaking. YEARS.

Sixteen years since I said Goodbye. Goodbye to training. Goodbye to running. Goodbye to this blog. Goodbye to all my online running friends.

And Goodbye to my dream of one day running a marathon.

Only, I never said Goodbye to the dream. Not really. I thought I did. I pretended I did. But I didn't.

It's been hanging out in the back of my brain, just under the surface, waiting for just the right time to poke it's head out and look around.

Apparently it decided that right time was a week ago.

Last weekend, I was watching the Amazon Prime Movie, Brittany Runs a Marathon for something like the 20th time. Only this time was different. This time the movie hit me in a way that it never had before.

***** SPOILER ALERT *****


It gets to the part where Brittany finds out she has a stress fracture and won't be able to run the New York City Marathon. And I start crying. It reminded me so much of finding out I had an ankle injury and wouldn't be able to run the Chicago Marathon. Then it gets to the part a year later where she is gearing up to run the marathon, and I start absolutely bawling. Bawling because I know that deep down, I still want to run my own marathon.

No. I NEED to run my own marathon.

For the rest of the week, I could not get it out of mind. It was all I was thinking about every time my mind wasn't occupied.

So, I went to my therapy appointment at the end of the week, and sat in my therapist office once again bawling about it. Bawling because I wasn't able to run the marathon back in 2006. Bawling because I gave up in 2013. Bawling because I'm now 16 years older and I really don't think my body would be able to handle training. Bawling because I'm going to always regret it if I never try. Bawling because I don't know if I can handle going through the grief if I try and can't do it again. Bawling because if I do try and don't succeed, I know it will be the absolute end of the dream. Bawling because I'll have to give up on it once and for all. Bawling because I don't know if I can handle losing that hope of 'one day' being able to achieve my dream.

It was probalby the most emotionally draining therapy appoinment I've ever been through. And I've been through some pretty tough stuff the past few years! But, realizing that I wasn't going to be able to run the Chicago Marathon absolutely gutted me. And the grief I went through when I gave up training all together was tremendous. I had tied so much of who I was to running and I felt completely lost without it. Quite frankly, I still do, which is why I keep coming back here every handful of years. I'm still looking for that corner card that holds up the rest.

So, I guess all of this begs the questions: Why now? What's different this time?

I think the answer is twofold:

First, while I still feel a bit lost, I'm not profoundly unhappy like I was during the previous comeback attempts. This time I'm not looking for running to fix problems it was never going to fix. Namely a failing marriage and a very stressful, unbalanced, unfulfilling life. If, and that is a very big if, I comeback again it really is about the running. At least about what running gave me. About who I was when I was running. About who I want to be again. If I comeback again, it's about finding myself. It's about melding the good parts of who I used to be, but lost sight of, into the good parts of the person I am now, while trying to let go of the parts of myself that I desprately needed to get through the past 10+ years, but are no longer serving me. It's about finding the grit, drive, and determination that I used to have and reclaiming the confidence that those qualities gave me.

Second, I have spent the last year working very hard to cultivate a calm, quiet life for myself. My life is simple and peaceful. My stresses are few and far between. Unlike with the previous comeback attempts, I now have the time to put toward training and there aren't any external factors to derail me. I could fully focus on training if I choose to do so.

I just haven't decided if I want to make that choice yet. Or just what that may look like if I do.

(Also - As a side note, but a very important side note none the less, I purchased a treadmill during COVID, which would make a HUGE impact on my ability to train. It's almost impossible to train year round here without access to one since the temps top 100 degrees 5 months of the year.)

Let's Talk Comebacks

When I decided to revisit my running blog a few days ago, I went back and read all of the posts I had written since my goodbye post in 2007 and I realized a few things:

1. The comeback in 2013 was never going to happen no matter what I did. Pretty much every aspect of my life was coming apart at the seams and I was powerless to do much about it. So, what did I decide to do? Start training for a marathon. After I hadn't run more than a handful of times in YEARS.

face palm

I think the idea to comeback was two fold - First, I didn't want to examine what was happening in my life so I was looking for a distraction. Second, I was completely miserable and trying to return to something that brought me a lot of joy in the past.

I can't say it any better than I already did when I reexamined things back in 2015:

Looking back, I've realized that I set myself up for failure when I tried to resume running in 2013. I was so desperate to regain the happiness I have lost that I went running back (pun intended) to the one thing that I thought could bring back that happiness. Not so coincidentally, it just so happened to be the one thing that I had control over during a time when I was feeling very powerless to change the things in my life that needed to change. Ultimately, my life was so full of stress and disappointment that I was unable to get past it to commit to giving running a real go again, and I quit before I even got started. I never even decided to quit, it just happened - which speaks volumes about my lack of commitment at the time.

2. The comeback in 2015 was never about running. At the time, I was lost and searching for something. Anything. to make me feel something other than the unhappiness I was drowning in.

I think I was really missing my old life. I was missing my real life friends back in Indiana. I was missing the connection I had with so many online runners back in the glory days. I was missing keeping a blog, which is something that I really enjoy doing. But most of all I missed feeling like a happy whole person, instead of the miserable empty shell of one that I had become.

But at the time, I really wasn't at a place mentally or physically to come back to running. And I knew it. In the few months that I dipped my toe back in, I never really even started running.

3. The comeback in 2020 was for real. I actually was running at the time. I'd started running before I even thought about resurrecting my running blog. The return was about the actual running for the first time.

And I was loving it!

The calf injury had me sidelined for a while, but I would have come back from it. I know I would have.

But then COVID happened.

And then my life imploded.

4. Which brings us to 2023. And the burning question, am I coming back? The answer being I don't know. But I'm thinking about it.

(Stay tuned!)

Picking Up the Pieces

When I lifted my head up out of the post-divorce fog earlier this year, I realized that my life was in shambles and I didn't recognize myself any more. I had no idea where to start to try to find myself or to begin to put my life back together.

Ultimately, I ended up starting the only place I could... Rest. And lots of it.

I went to work because, of course, I had no choice. Someone had to keep the lights on and food on the table, and that someone had to be me. Other than that I didn't do a single thing I didn't have to do. I rarely left the house. I watched a lot of movies and old TV shows. I did a ton of puzzles. I slept as much as I could. I cuddled with my dogs.

Eventually, I realized that the first step I needed to take in order to feel ok again was to get my finance in order.

Let's just say the divorce took a toll.

I knew it was going to be a constant source of worry until I was on track again, so I went to work putting everything in place to begin securing my safety net.

Next, I decided that I was tired of how awful I was feeling and I had to start making some major changes to my diet. I was eating like complete crap because I hadn't had the capactiy to do anything other than open a bag, box, or can for months. So, I slowly started cooking again. At first, just a favorite meal here and there, but eventually I got back to cooking almost all of my meals. While that was a step in the right direction, I was still guzzling Pepsi and sugar on the daily. I knew I had to cut it out and slowly began working on it, one little step at a time. I'm still not quite where I want to be yet, but I'm close.

Finally, I decided that the only way I was going to really start feeling better was to start moving my body again. I needed to start getting some exercie. So, I signed up for some games through the StepBet App and started making an effort to reach my daily step goals. I also started doing a little yoga and stretching here and there.

As I slowly began taking care of myself again, I could feel the fog start to lift. Little glimpses of myself began to resurface. I started thinking about who I want to be and what I want my life to look like. I'm still trying to figure that out. But what I do know is that in a lot of ways, who I want to be looks an awful lot like who I used to be back when I was actively training.

I really have no idea what things look like going forward. I still have a long way to go to pick up the pieces and put my life back together. But I think if I am ever going to find happiness again, my life has to look something like it used to when I first started this blog.

So here I am.

Let's Recap

Like most of my other departures from this blog, I never really meant to stop blogging (or stop running).  It just happened.  And now here it is 3 ½ years later and I am once again stunned that it has been that long and wondering what the hell happened. 

Only this time, I do know what happened. 
 
Freaking COVID!  Am I Right?! 

Let's recap, shall we: 

When I last posted, we were smack dab in the middle of quarantine.  At the time, my office was open for emergencies only.  The owner and I alternated weeks on call, so I was only working every other week and only a few hours at that.  I had all the time in the world to concentrate on my health and to exercise daily.

And to be perfectly honest, I was flourishing. 

The reprieve from the daily stress of my job had me feeling great.  For the first time in years, I had the energy to do things outside of work and I was taking full advantage.  Unfortunately, that was short lived because once we returned to the office full time my stress level sky rocketed.  Between constant worry about contracting the virus myself and absorbing all of the trauma the virus was causing to others, I was barely hanging on. 
 
It was all too much.  Way too much.  And I ended up drinking.  And eating.  A lot.

Numbing out was the only way I could survive.  Needless to say, my health took a complete nose dive and I ended up back at the bottom of that pit that I swore I wasn't going to ever end up in again. 
 
Fast forward, the world returned to normal, and I began to slowly dig my way out a little bit.  I was feeling better, things were improving, I was starting to concentrate on my health again. 
 
AND WHAM!! 

Life completely and thoroughly punched me in the face and knocked me on my ass.  

In the span of a year I went through a horrible (but much needed) divorce, lost the joint friend group to my ex, lost a close friend to breast cancer, lost another close friend to a move out of the country, sold my house and most of my belongings, scrambled to find a new (much smaller) place to live, rushed to fix up my new home, took on a second job to pay for it all, and dealt with an anxiety ridden dog who was struggling to adapt to all of the changes and completely freaking out (not that I could blame her). 
 
Again.  It was all way too much. 

At first I wasn't eating due to the extreme stress of it all. 

Once the majority of the actual work was behind me and the reality of it all set it, I started eating to numb it all out. 
 
I eventually started to process all of it and am slowly finding myself in a better place.  I finally feel ready to start the long trek back out of the pit.  So, here I am. Back. Again.  

Weekly Workout Recap: 04/13/2020 - 04/19/2020

I'm still going strong with my workouts, but I do feel like I need to start mixing it up a bit.  I've been doing the same arm and leg weight workouts recently, and need to take the time to find something different soon.  But in the mean time here is this week's Recap...

Workouts:

Monday
Arm Workout

Tuesday
3ish mile walk

Wednesday
Arm Workout

Thursday
10.72 bike ride

This was my longest bike ride yet, and it felt great!  I'm surprised by just how much I have been enjoying riding my bike.

Friday
Core/Back Workout

Saturday
Leg Workout

Sunday
4.25 mile walk

Just when I had finally decided that my calf was almost back to normal, it started flaring up halfway through this walk.  Grrrr!

A few photos from the walk...


Really pretty sunset!...

Weekly Workout Recap: 04/06/2020 - 04/12/2020

I'm still going strong with my workouts, but still no running was done. As soon as all of my spring races were switched to virtual races, I seem to have lost my running mojo. That combined with the fact that my calf still isn't feeling 100% yet has me turning my attention elsewhere for some exercise recently. But I will be back to running eventually - I do still have two virtual 5K's to run after all!

Here is this week's Recap...

Workouts:

Monday
Aaptive "Upper Body Flex" Arm Workout
1.5 miles walk with two of my dogs...



Tuesday
10 minute aerobic dance workout
10 mile bike ride (my farthest ride to date!)
75 Tricep Push-Ups

Here are some photos from the bike ride...







Wednesday
Jillian Michaels "Killer Arms & Back" Level 1 30 Minute Workout
25 Tricep Push-Ups

Thursday
1.5ish mile walk

Friday
3ish mile walk with one of my pups

Saturday
Yin Yoga

Sunday
3.5 mile hike

I met my parents for an Easter hike today.  Here are a handful of random photos from our adventure...

Weekly Workout Recap: 03/30/2020 - 04/05/2020

I'm still feeling like I have had pretty good momentum with my workouts. It's not exactly hard to fit them in while in quarantine. I was on call Monday through Friday this week; however, I ended up only have to go in three of the five days and only for a few hours each day.  So, I still had more than enough time to exercise to my heart's content.

I'm SO FREAKING HAPPY that I decided to splurge and buy a bike last week. There really aren't words for how much I am enjoying getting out and riding in the evenings. Unfortunately, riding does make my neck and shoulder issues flare up a bit so I can't ride every day but I'm thrilled to be riding as much as I can.

I'm glad that I decided to purchase the ankle weights while I was out, too. It's been nice to have the option of using those for some leg exercise here and there. It's just taking a little bit to think outside of the box for things to do now that I can't go to the gym after work every day. Although, in all honesty I am working out a lot harder now than I was when I was going to the gym. I'm not working out after a long exhausting day at work, so I have a lot more energy to give to the workouts. I'm also just feeling more motivation for working out overall. I guess my thinking is that if I'm in quarantine all this time, I'm going to do everything I can to use the time to my advantage.

Thus far the only thing lacking in my recent exercise routine is doing any actual running, but more on that later. For now here is this week's Recap...

Workouts:

Monday
Leg workout with my ankle weights

Tuesday
1.5ish mile walk

Since today was the last day of the month, it wrapped up month three in a row of closing all of my Apple Watch rings, and getting at least 30 minutes of exercise every day since January 1st. This is a huge deal to me and I'm pretty proud of myself for sticking to it, so here's a photo from the app of my March accomplishment...



Wednesday
5.6 mile bike ride

Thursday
Yin Yoga

Friday
Arm workout with my dumbbells
5.9 mile bike ride

I made the decision to start wearing masks as much as possible when I go out. I was unable to find any actual masks, of course. However, I was able to find some cloth ones online that I have on order. But lucky for me, I have TONS of scarves at home because I've acquired a collection over the years for dog photos.

Here I am wearing one of my homemade masks using one of the scarves I had around home...



I saw a little 'wildlife' on my ride and I had to stop and take photos...





Saturday
6.7 mile bike ride

No photos from my ride today, but when I got home I decided to take my dogs to Dairy Queen for pup cups in celebration of one of my dog's birthday.

Here I am with 3 of the 4.  The other goober is camera shy and hard to get in photos!...



It's not very often that I take all 4 of them out together, but made an exception for this quick trip.  The darker brown one is my oldest dog at 12 ½.  She's actually a really smart, super good dog who does well in public from a behavior stand point.  However, she suffers from a lot of anxiety and usually doesn't enjoy outings - unless food is involved and then she's all about it!  She also has a lot of health issues, so she's unable to do much in the way of exercise.  So, she usually gets to live it up at home most of the time.

Sunday
Aaptive "Smoking Guns" Arm Workout

I had done this workout once before and wasn't sure how I felt about it.  After a second go round, I'm still not sure I love it and much prefer the one I did last week.  However, I guess it's good to mix things up from time to time.